Posted in A&I
Clever Words for Clever People
contributed by Connie Kent
1. ARBITRATOR – A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
2. BERNADETTE – The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE – What a crook sees through.
4. AVOIDABLE – What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. COUNTERFEITER – A worker who puts together kitchen cabinets.
6. LEFT BANK – What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
7. HEROES – What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES – What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. PARADOX – Two physicians.
10. PHARMACIST – A helper on a farm.
11. RELIEF – What trees do in the spring.
12. RUBBERNECK – What you do to relax your wife.
13. SELFISH – What the owner of a seafood store does.
14. SUDAFED – Brought litigation against a government official.
September in the Library: School’s in Session
by Anne Newins
And, “reading is my subject,” according to library volunteer Jan Hines. Many residents may not know that Jan is responsible for ordering books that are not donated to the library. Our budget is not unlimited and Jan is deliberate about her choices, trying to find at least five reviews about each book. While responsive to resident requests for books, Jan also wants to ensure that they will be of interest to multiple readers.
Volunteer Jan Hines is pictured browsing some of our “scholarly” offerings.
Volunteer Liz Caldwell noted that September is the beginning of classes for many students and thought we should recognize them. A search of our collection identified scores of books about students and teachers of all types, K- 12 schools, and the college environment.
The books span a variety of genres, including romance, humor, mystery, thrillers, and non-fiction. A few of my favorites that need renewed attention include:
The Winter Soldier, by Daniel Mason
This novel uses gorgeous prose to tell the story of a World War I medical student who is taught battlefield surgery by a mysterious young nun.
Jeeves and the King of Clubs, by Ben Schott
Anyone who likes to laugh would enjoy the misadventures of Bertie Wooster and his much more capable valet, Jeeves. Originally created a century ago by P.G. Wodehouse, Schott’s madcap homage includes some of Bertie’s school friends to add to the hilarity.
Gods of the Upper Air, by Charles King
Groundbreaking anthropologist Frank Boas was a mentor to several remarkable women students, including Margaret Mead, Ruth Benedict, Ella Deloris, and Zora Neale Hurston. “Rich in drama, conflict, friendship and love,” this multi-biography is a history of “American progress and the opening of the modern mind.”
Educated, by Tara Westover
Westover’s coming of age memoir recounts her unusual upbringing by a family of survivalists in Idaho. She did not attend school until age seventeen. Nevertheless, she managed to teach herself enough to be admitted to Brigham Young University, Harvard, and Cambridge. Education allowed Westover to change her life and learn to cope with complicated family relationships.
Many Manorites consider themselves to be perpetual students, taking classes through OLLI and online courses, as well as participating in our own popular in-house programs, such as Inquiring Minds. In the meantime, our September display offers you many choices about many subjects, tuition-free.
They Dropped the Charges
Story by Eleanor Lippman
It was time for another trip from southern California to Philadelphia to be with family. Time for visiting, time for sightseeing, an opportunity to escape day-to-day activities at home. Son Rob, age 15, looked forward to the trip. Amy, age 17 and living independently on her own, had other ideas.
Amy, apparently, decided it was not ‘cool’ to travel with her mother and brother and wanted to fly to the east coast on her own, without excess family baggage. So, I decided it was not a bad idea because if Rob and I arrived earlier, we could do things that Amy was not interested in doing such as visiting the Philadelphia Art Museum and the Rodin Museum on the Parkway, for example.
That is why Rob and I arrived in Philadelphia two days before Amy showed up.
Consider: all of this occurred before TSA and other travel constraints showed up on our front door. People were free to wander about airports and could meet travelers as they walked off of the airplane onto the catwalks and into the terminal.
Over dinner with my mother and brother our first night in Philadelphia, an explanation of our strange travel arrangements came up. My brother, Lenard, came up with the idea. We needed a spectacular way to greet Amy when she arrived. It was not enough to just meet her at the airport and take her to the motel where we were staying. It had to be something big and special, something memorable. Lenard was like that. Funny guy. Jokester. The idea man. Everyone had suggestions ranging from loving to nasty. We had not settled on anything firm when we decided to go to my mother’s house for dessert and coffee after having dinner at the restaurant. And even more suggestions were thrown about as we left.
While we were settled around the kitchen table and my mother bustled about preparing coffee and serving home baked cake, Lenard said he had a good idea. He would be back in a few minutes. I heard him go down into the basement and my mother, Rob, and I sat around waiting for him to return.
Lenard returned carrying a large sheet of poster board on which he had carefully lettered:
“Welcome home Amy! They dropped the charges!”
Rob and I thought it was hilarious, my mother was shocked and declared she would not go to the airport with us if we were to carry that poster. To pile on Amy’s “welcome”, we decided we needed to be wearing crazy clothing while we were carrying the sign. Taking the hint, Lenard disappeared once again and returned carrying three straw boater hats – perfect, we three agreed.
But it was not goofy enough for Lenard and I, brother and sister joined at the hip at doing outrageous things. We needed more, much more to make it worthwhile.
I cannot remember whether it was my mother (really a good sport up to a point) or my brother who suggested we stop at a gift shop in downtown Philadelphia that was well know for its zany merchandize. So, it was agreed: on the day Amy was due to arrive we would have breakfast downtown and stop at the gift shop before heading to the airport. We needed to beef up our appearances.
After breakfast that fateful morning, we starting walking to the gift shop and passed a store selling discount, used, damaged, out of date merchandize. Curious, we explored and came across a cardboard box containing hundreds of very old fashioned narrow knit men’s ties: three for one dollar. Perfect! No one would be caught dead wearing something so silly. We walked out of the store, each wearing one of the ties. Things were getting better.
We arrived at the gift store and explained our quest to the owner of the shop and she quickly got it. The goofier the better. Oversized sun glasses. Fake animal noses. The fake eyeglasses with the attached fake nose and mustache. Things to tuck into the hat band that swayed and wiggled as we walked. It was wonderful. The more we added, the more fun we had.
Another idea popped into my head. At home in California, Rob and I had a fake hand. Actually, it was a very realistic plastic hand attached to what looked like part of a long-sleeved shirt. If Rob knew I was expecting friends, I could just about predict he would arrange the hand as if it was coming out between two sofa cushions or reaching out from beneath an upholstered chair. On the other hand, if I was asked to drive Rob and friends somewhere, I would tuck the hand somewhere in the car to surprise our passengers. Soon the game became too obvious and we were not using the “hand” any more. But what if the gift shop sold fake hands? Wouldn’t that be funny to have with us?
Actually, the proprietor of the shop had something better. It was a scarier version of our fake hand and it was very expensive. Our fake hand in Riverside, California, was simply a hand and a sleeve. Her hand was a hand and a sleeve and a bloody and very realistic severed arm stump. She even offered to lend it to us if we promised to return it after we picked Amy up at the airport. But we all decided that was a thing too far and too gross for our little welcome skit. (Thank goodness!)
Finally, we were ready. Our loving and warm welcoming well-dressed committee of three prepared to meet Amy at the airport.
Remember, this occurred long before 9/11 and TSA screening at airports. We arrived and parked and Lenard carried the big welcoming sign. Rob and I were dressed like clowns as was my brother. We were so happy and talking as we approached the arriving passenger terminal. People in the terminal pointed and laughed as we approached. What a fun day. Amy will love it.
The flight from Los Angles finally landed and passengers began appearing at the arrival gate. Just about everyone looked at us and laughed as they walked away. The passenger crowd started to thin out and we did not see Amy. Finally, no more people. We worried that something bad had happened when down at the very far end of the catwalk, we saw a group of the pilots, the stewardesses, and Amy approaching chatting away as if they knew each other forever. Not one of them was looking toward the terminal. The group grew closer and closer, never looking at us.
When they reached to door leading to the airport terminal, Amy looked up. 
She saw us and with a panicked look, turned and ran down the catwalk back to the airplane screaming, “Take me back to California!”
Not the response we expected.
The pilots and the stewardesses went to Amy and escorted her toward us, all the while enjoying our little joke. They left Amy standing in front of us and if looks could kill, Lenard, Rob, and I would be very dead.
Conclusion?
With great difficulty, Amy agreed to follow us to the car once we got her suitcase from baggage claim, angrily muttering the whole time.
What to do? Since it was approaching lunch time and Amy was hungry, we went to the very famous Pat’s Steak House in South Philadelphia and sat on the picnic benches on the sidewalk eating Philadelphia Cheese Steak sandwiches while neighbors wandered past, everyone apparently knowing everyone else. (South Philly, the land of brick row houses, was a very family-oriented area. People lived in houses next to or across the street from grandparents, aunts, uncles and other relatives. You did not move away, you stayed in the neighborhood.)
I think Amy liked that. What is not to like? Slowly as we ate our lunch, she softened. The dagger eyes disappeared. Our Amy was back. But not completely.
To this very day, whenever I fly to visit Amy, she reminds me to expect a surprise when she picks me up at the airport.
The Theremin and the Birth of Electronic Music
Leon Theremin: Inventor, Musician, Spy
By George Yates
In a 2015 Guardian article, Sean Michaels quipped “In my experience, there are two kinds of people: those who are beguiled by the theremin and those who just haven’t heard of it yet.”
The music
Even if you’re not familiar with the theremin, chances are you’ve heard it on more than one occasion. Some, on a first exposure think, they are hearing a female soprano. Others have noted that the tonal sounds produced by a theremin have a violin like quality.
Compare Puccini’s O Mio Babbino Caro on a theremin (Katica Illényi : https://youtu.be/sh4EQFVAE04) and on a Stradivarius violin (Joshua Bell: https://youtu.be/DsPXig69g2A).
Many celebratory festivals were held worldwide in 2020 on the 100th anniversary of Leon Theremin’s invention. Theremin 100: Electronic Music Written for the Theremin is a link to a collection of contemporary thereminists released in 2020.
I often listen to Music Choice on Spectrum channel 1950. Theremin pieces are played on occasion; one piece played with some regularity is a haunting and beautiful version of Summertime performed by Clara Rockmore: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kga4WmDVmrQ.
The man
Leon Theremin (born Lev Sergeivich Teremen in 1896) had degrees in both physics and cello performance, which certainly contributed to his invention.
The invention
In 1920, Leon Theremin was heading the experimental electronic oscillation laboratory at the Physical Technical Institute of Leningrad [St. Petersburg]. He invented a number of devices, including a high-frequency oscillator that correlated its frequency with the dielectric constant of a gas. The device emitted a tone that changed pitch as the gas density changed. Theremin noted that the output changed tone when he “interfered” with its electric field. Many accounts describe this as an accidental discovery, I’ll posit that Theremin very quickly intuited what he had uncovered. Using the control learned as a cello player Theremin managed to play a simple tune with the device and based on the delight of his coworkers, decided to develop it into a musical instrument.
Leon Theremin playing his invention, Paris in 1927.
The Theremin is played without physically touching it. By interrupting electromagnetic fields between two antennas attached to the instrument, the player controls the pitch and volume of the instrument, creating what some consider eerie and ethereal music.
The iconic theremin joke:
I think I’m going to sell my theremin; I haven’t touched it in ages…
Front and rear views of an early model of the theremin.
See Leon playing Do not scold me, my darling by Alexander Dubuque:
https://youtu.be/w5qf9O6c20 (1954).
The history
After developing a working prototype, Theremin displayed the instrument at an electronics conference in Moscow where it was so well received that he started touring with the device leading to a 1922 demonstration of the instrument to Vladimir Lenin.
Lenin was eager to show the world the advances that Soviet scientists had made, and Theremin was invited to participate in an international publicity tour. He arrived in western Europe with his theremin in the summer of 1927, giving lectures and demonstrations in Berlin, Paris, and London. In Berlin, Albert Einstein was in the audience.
Continuing his tour, Theremin arrived in New York City in December 1927 to demonstrate his invention and also to engage in a bit of industrial espionage, thus beginning his 11-year U.S. visit.
He had his first public performance of the theremin in the ballroom of the Plaza Hotel in late January 1928. Attending were Arturo Toscanini and pianist Sergei Rachmaninoff. Leon intended to stay for only 6 months, but through continuous extension of his visa ended up remaining here for 11 years.
Soon after arriving, Theremin moved into a home on West 54th Street in New York City that became a magnet for composers and scientists alike. Visitors were exposed to some of Theremin’s inventions which included an array of new musical instruments, an automatic door opener and even a color television.
Theremin gave Einstein a room at the house for exploring the connection between music and geometry, and in 1931 Theremin designed for Einstein the rhythmicon – a musical instrument that could reproduce patterns through a projector.
During this period Theremin met Clara Reisenberg Rockmore, a Russian émigré and renowned violinist, and he taught her how to play the theremin. Clara gained fame with her public performances and went on to become the best Theremin virtuoso of her time.
Prior to her marriage to attorney Robert Rockmore, Leon proposed marriage to Clara, which she declined. However, they stayed friends, and worked together to custom-build Rockmore a theremin to her size and aesthetic specifications. This instrument is used in this video of Clara playing “The Swan” (Saint-Saëns): https://youtu.be/pSzTPGlNa5U. It can now be seen at the Museum of Musical Instruments in Scottsdale, AZ.
Intrigue
Theremin’s stay in the US proved very beneficial for him. He was able to patent many of his inventions, including the 1928 patent for the theremin. By submitting his patents and befriending other inventors, Theremin was given access to sensitive documents and trade secrets, information that he sent back to Russia. He also negotiated a contract with RCA to mass produce his instrument.
Apparently, Leon was more of a scientist than a spy. Many of his inventions were patented here. He developed sensing instruments for US aircraft, touchless effects for sales windows, for Sing Sing Prison he created the world’s first electronic security system and the first weapon [metal] detectors at Alcatraz prison.
In 1936, he married Lavinia Williams, a noted member of the American Negro Ballet and was promptly ostracized by many, but not all, in his social set. In September 1938 Theremin returned to Russia, and Lavinia never saw him again. There are conflicting accounts regarding his repatriation. In an 1989 interview Leon states that he wished to return to Russia to help with the war effort.
He worked in a lab run by the Ministry of Internal Affairs developing listening tools and bugging devices to be used by the secret police. One device was used to spy on foreign embassies – and even on Stalin’s office.
Theremin created “the Thing” a transmitting device that was concealed in a replica of the Great Seal of the United States. In 1945 it was presented by Soviet school children, as a gesture of friendship for being an ally during World War II, to the US Ambassador, Averell Harriman. The Great Seal hung in the ambassador’s office, in the U.S. embassy in Moscow, transmitting confidential conversations for seven years until it was discovered and removed in 1952.
Left: An outside view of the Great Seal bug. Right: A replica of what the Great Seal bug looked like when opened.
Leon worked in this laboratory until 1966 when he was released from his duties to the State and was free to live out his life. He worked first at the Moscow Conservatory of Music, then as a professor of physics (Acoustics) at Moscow State University. He continued to build theremins and train musicians in the playing of the instrument. Theremin’s last pupil was his grand niece Lydia Kavina, who is now considered one of the best Theremin players in the world.
Conclusion
Theremin returned to the West for the first time in 51 years in 1989. In France, he gave an interview covering both his personal and professional life (https://www.thereminvox.com/stories/people/an-interview-with-leon-theremin/).
Theremin died in 1993, but not before returning once more to the United States where he was able to reunite with his first protégée, Clara Rockmore, and the other people from the life he was forced to leave behind.
Left: Leon Theremin in his lab. Igor Boyko/Sputnik.
Right: l-r: Leon Theremin, Clara Rockmore (a theremin’s performer), Theremin’s daughter Natalia, and granddaughter Olga, New-York, 1991. Personal archive of Peter Theremin
Theramin’s legacy
General U.S. interest in the theremin waned after Leon’s departure, but the theremins’ long history in movie music had already begun with its use in the 1935 horror classic The Bride of Frankenstein. Due to its characteristic sounds, it has been used as a soundtrack in many horror and science fiction movies.
Bela Lugosi plays the theremin
In 1945 Alfred Hitchcock used the theremin in his film Spellbound. The composer hired was Miklos Rosza, and he won an Oscar for best soundtrack. Rosza hired thereminist Dr. Samuel Hoffman (a podiatrist) to perform his composition. Hitchcock had two “precise requirements,” Rózsa recalled: “a big sweeping love theme for Ingrid Bergman and Gregory Peck, and a ‘new sound’ for the paranoia which formed the subject of the picture.” Hear Katica Illenyi –playing “Spellbound” at https://youtu.be/hpzZP4Va8d8.
The sound of the theremin did not yet evoke space, parallel dimensions, or an alien invasion: it was simply mysterious and suitable for building the suspenseful atmosphere Hitchcock was looking for.
Through the 1950s, Hoffman and his theremin became the sound of science fiction movies, notably The Day The Earth Stood Still, released in 1951.
The Day the Earth Stood Still – Movie poster
The Day the Earth Stood Still – “Prelude and outer space” performed on the theremin: https://youtu.be/5VQgImg15sQ
Leon Theremin’s musical legacy is enduring. The Theremin is still produced today, and its use moved into mainstream music and profoundly influenced the development of modern electronic music.
In https://youtu.be/WhR2e9ab-Uw, Leon Theremin, plays the Henderson-Vallée jazz standard “Deep Night” on what appears to be a 1929 RCA Theremin. “Deep Night” was made famous by crooner Rudy Vallée, who purchased his own theremin and used one in his orchestra, the Connecticut Yankees. This performance was given in 1930.
Leon Theremin was a formative influence in the work of Robert Moog. As influential as the Moog synthesizer has been, Bob Moog’s original focus in electronic music was the theremin. In 1954, as a teenager, he began building theremins in his basement with his father, offering kits for other do-it-yourselfers. By the time Moog began to market modular synthesizers in the mid-’60s, he already had more than ten years’ experience building theremins.
“The theremin specifically, and Leon Theremin’s work in general is the biggest, fattest, most important cornerstone of the whole electronic music medium. That’s where it all began.” — Robert Moog
Let us end on a light note – two clips from The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon playing the Theremin.
- The Big Bang Theory – Sheldon playing the Theremin
- Sheldon plays Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen: https://youtu.be/NeqndFdgakE
August in the Library: The Reruns Continue
By Anne Newins
As noted in the July announcement, the Manor Library’s August display table also is featuring the hundred (more or less) most frequently read books by residents. It has been a big hit and we are getting books back onto the table as quickly as possible. We may not be attaining Barbie standards, but we are experiencing good circulation, book-wise.
Now for a brief ad: Many residents do not realize that they can scan our catalogue, reserve books, and renew them from the comfort of their homes. Instructions for how to use these options are described under the library link on My RVM. If you would like in-person directions, stop by the library and one of our friendly volunteers will help you.
Word Play: Idioms
contributed by Connie Kent
My Travel Plans…
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone.
You have to be in Kahoots with someone in order to go there.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not into physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That’s a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get!
Nit Wit News — August 2023
(Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news service designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, unverified, and trifling events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor).
RING AROUND THE COLLAR
“Oh my, it’s eight o’clock, I told your parents I’d have you kids in bed by now.”
“But Uncle Willie, you promised to read us a story first, remember?”
“Oh yeah, you’re right Jimmy, I forgot about that. Well, what should we read? Let’s see, you’ve got Peter Pan, Winnie the Po…”
“No, no. We like this one.”
“What’s that Betty? Hmm, ‘A Children’s Treasury of Exciting Tales from Senior Living Communities.’ Are you sure you…”
“Yes, we love those stories. They’re the best.” “Well, okay. Jump in bed and we’ll give it a try. Here goes—
Once upon a time, in a land not so very far away, there was a senior community. It was an enchanted community. Cares and woes were infrequent visitors. Lives were lived in blissful harmony. That’s just the way things were at Elderly Acres.
Life was good.
On warm days, a truck drove through the community and handed out Kona Ice in many popular flavors. When cooler days prevailed, food trucks were parked hither and yon and served tacos—free—even when it wasn’t Tuesday.
Correction: Life was not just good at Elderly Acres—life was very good.
Until it wasn’t.
[ Jimmy: “Oh boy, I’ll bet here’s where things start getting good.”]
One day, it was discovered that a golden napkin ring from Elderly Acre’s nicest dining room was missing. Its absence was mystifying since the rings were scrupulously accounted for each evening before, after, and even during, dinner. Moreover, the napkin rings helped turn ordinary dining into, well, fine dining.
An immediate search of the dining room was unsuccessful, as was a dutiful campus-wide hunt by each concerned resident (that would mean everyone at Elderly Acres).
Staff members were immediately exonerated [Uncle Willie: “That means, kids, the staff was not to blame.”] , since each shift begins and ends with a walk through an airport-like metal detector.
To check residents, a highly effective, FDA approved, truth serum was added to the popular chickpea ratatouille casserole each evening at all dining venues for an entire week. It yielded dozens of confessions from the community’s residents; many quite revealing—some startlingly so—but, alas, none were about the missing golden napkin ring.
Angst swept across the campus. Could it be that the hitherto serene Elderly Acres had become an infested area of rampant crime? Residents were up in arms.
Concern heightened. Concern broadened.
Meanwhile, in a seemingly unrelated set of events, the brood of wild turkeys that lumbered aimlessly about the Elderly Acres campus had suddenly become uncharacteristically restive. They began to gobble all through the night keeping residents awake.
Although disturbing, this did not deter the Elderly Acres security department. They soldiered on in their important search for the golden napkin ring. That remained Job #1.
One morning, while driving toward the employee parking lot, one of the community’s security guards slowed to allow a flock of the turkeys to cross the street. Odd, he thought, one of the smaller toms was leading a group of orderly hens, while several large toms, with plumage fully displayed, obediently trailed behind. It was unlike the usual disarrayed, random movement of turkey meanderings on campus.
It appeared, however, that the turkeys had found a leader— albeit small in stature and modest in plumage. They followed this member in near lock-step. It was an unusual sight.
Just then, a glancing sun reflection caught the guard’s eye. It came from the direction of that small, lead turkey where his elongated neck met his torso. There it was: The missing golden napkin ring.
[Betty: “You see, Uncle, isn’t this exciting?”]
How the ring found its way out of the dining room and around the small turkey’s neck, launched endless campus speculation. None of it probable.
In the past, several of Elderly Acres’s security guards had come to grips with white collar crime; none, sad to say, had experience with a gold collar crime.
Nonetheless, “Who took it?” was no longer the question. Now, the question was, “How to retrieve it?”
Turkey-cide was dismissed out of hand. The Elderly Acres’s animal rights lobby was well-funded and just too politically powerful to allow such a thing.
Further complicating the recovery effort, years of failed attempts to snare and thin the burgeoning Elderly Acres wild turkey flock had proved fruitless. Now— to make retrievable efforts even more difficult—grabbing this thief, holding him down, and attempting to wrestle a ring off of the nine-inch long neck of this squawking tom turkey without harming him, would be a fool’s errand. Not one of the guards was willing to undertake that errand. No resident could blame them. None did.
[Uncle Willie:“Are you kids getting sleepy?” Kids in unison: “No, we love it. Read on! Read on!”]
An emergency session of the Elderly Acre’s Residents Council was called at the auditorium to decide how to proceed on the “turkey trouble.” To wit: getting the napkin ring back; ending the all-night gobbling.
About this time, a wondrous event unfolded right there in front of the auditorium. Surprising himself and astounding his flock, Herbert, the newly deemed, golden-collared turkey leader, found he could talk! What? A turkey talks? Yes, talk! Once he cleared his throat—a time-consuming task considering its length,— out came near-perfect English.
Shocked flock members were immediately convinced that that mysterious golden neck ring enabled Herbert’s new-found skill. Who could say it didn’t? A new wave of reverential awe flowed from the flock to their bedecked, and now talking, leader. So, too, did a generous dose of swagger.
Emboldened, Herbert worked his way into the auditorium and onto the stage, adjusting the mic to his two-foot-nine inch height, Herbert told the audience he was there to “talk turkey.” Aghast, the residents were struck silent at what they were witnessing.
Herbert proceeded to outline his flock’s disaffection with their lifestyle at Elderly Acres. [Uncle Willie: “Meaning, kids, the turkeys were unhappy.“]
He told the audience that his flock had become fearful of the cars whipping through campus streets and that the flock’s all-night squawking was a protest to register concerns for their safety.
Herbert proceeded to read a brief list of two demands: The speed limit must be reduced from 20 to 10 mph; Speed bumps had to be installed at key campus locations.
If those demands were met, Herbert assured the council, the garrulous, all-night gobbling would cease.
His timing was perfect. The Resident Council members—most with frazzled nerves from way too many wakeful nights, and facing yet another evening of the same—decided to engage the turkey leader in negotiations—on the spot.
The auditorium doors were shut.
Forty-five minutes later they opened.
A settlement had been reached.
The results: The speed limit was negotiated at a compromised 15 mph. And the speed bumps were reduced to speed humps.
Herbert and his minions were satisfied.
Relieved too, the Elderly Acres residents would no longer have to wonder if a dearly needed silent night was only a December event.
But wait! How about that golden napkin ring around Herbert’s neck?
Not negotiable.
With the disputation behind them, both sides came to realize that the golden ring was the vital communications link that brought the two disparate parties together. It was to remain on Herbert’s neck.
Swallowing hard, the residents of Elderly Acres resigned themselves to face the prospect that their fine dining experience each evening would be without the full complement of eighty golden napkin rings.
[Uncle Willie: You kids must be getting tired. Shall we finish this tomorr …”] [Jimmy: No, no, finish it now”]
And so it came to pass that serenity returned to Elderly Acres. Life was good, very good—once again.
And yes, of course, you guessed it—everyone lived happily ever after!
[Betty: “Wow! Wasn’t that great? Kona ice, free tacos, talking turkeys, magic napkin rings—so much fun! Let’s ask Mom if next summer instead of camp, we can spend two weeks with you at your senior community, Uncle Willie. Wouldn’t that be great?]
(silence)
[Jimmy: “I think he dozed off.”]
——————
Important Note to Nit Wit Newz Readers:
Any similarity in this story to actual persons, places, or animals, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
—A. Looney