(Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news service designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, unverified, and trifling events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor.)
ASK ARTIE
(Announcer) Thank you for attending today’s Rogue Valley Manor “Question and Answer” forum. This new platform is designed to give you, our residents, an opportunity to ask and receive meaningful responses to your questions—not about major Manor policy issues like food, dress and, accommodations, but rather about those nagging, minor everyday concerns we sometimes experience at RVM.
Here to answer your questions today is Artie. Many of you are acquainted with Artie or have often seen him here-and-there on campus. As most of your know, he is not a bona fide RVM resident; rather, during the last twenty-four years, Artie has taken up residence in our vast, beautiful 668 outdoor acre site foraging his existence and living by his wits with, it must be noted, the occasional, kindness of strangers (read: good-hearted RVM residents).
Artie has become a community asset. A brief review of his colorful background will illustrate why he is uniquely qualified to be on our stage and answer your questions today.
As a sub-teen, Artie set his sights high. He committed himself to being a philosopher, a physicist, and a psychologist. Yes, as a mere youngster, he opted for advanced degrees in all three of those challenging disciplines. It soon became clear, however, that roadblocks would dampen the pursuit of his academic goals. School was one of them.
After unsuccessfully mastering the curriculum in two separate, unaccredited middle schools, Artie moved on. He re-imagined his future. Artie soon proved to be a highly regarded wastrel during his teen years and proudly developed in early adulthood into— as he describes himself— “a self-made itinerant.” Shortly thereafter, serendipitously for himself and for Rogue Valley Manor, he found himself awakening one morning in the area where our dog park sits today. Since that time, almost two and a half decades ago, Artie, to the delight of all, has made our campus his home.
He has not wasted his time here. Proving that all wisdom is not found bound on pages inside books, Artie’s keen ear, nose for news, and eye for unfolding events has enabled him to become a reservoir of knowledge of the past as well as the here-and-now at RVM. With that knowledge, today, he has agreed to answer your questions about this home we all share. Please welcome Artie.
(Warm applause)
Thank you, thank you. Let’s get right to it. Our first question, please.
Q: My washer/dryer is on the fritz and my appliance repair man says he has to order parts from back east. How, in the meantime, since I don’t have a car to get to the laundromat, can I wash my clothes?
A: We are blessed here at RVM with an abundance of natural resources that can aid us in our everyday lives. The lake down at the east side of our property provides a suitable answer to your question. Just take your laundry basket down to the north side of the lake where there are plenty of rocks to agitate your dirty clothes and then, conveniently, the waterfall is right there to give them a good rinse. One caution: as a courtesy to the ducks and fish, please use a low sudsing detergent in your wash.
Q: And drying my clothes?
A: Where I live, I use the tree branches. You, of course, don’t have that luxury, so just string a line across your deck or balcony. Some of your neighbors might object, but others will be interested in seeing parts of your wardrobe they’ve never viewed before. Next question?
Q: Yes, Artie, my husband and I love all of the events they put on for us here at RVM, but a few weeks back, we missed the Box Elder Beetle Treatment on the south side of the Plaza. Will there be a repeat of that event?
A: You’re in luck. This crowd-pleasing activity is an annual Manor event. It’s always announced on the rvmlist several days ahead of the spray date. Watch for it in the months ahead. Just like most of our residents, those Box Elder Beetles seem to enjoy eating at the Plaza.
Q: I understand that we will soon be able to re-cycle more of our waste products but, in the meantime, would it be possible to have two red re-cycle bins rather than just the one? We often can’t fit all of our glass bottles into just one bin.
A: Certainly, that should not be a problem. Just fill out a work order requesting a second red bin. For this particular request however, I’m told, that prior to receiving that extra bin, you are required to attend three weeks of instruction at the Medford Women’s Temperance League. We understand their program is very effective.
Q: I’m not sure you’re the person that can answer my question, but I’m concerned about the coming changes here at the Manor in regard to robots. Assuming staff shortages remain a continuing concern, in our dining rooms, how will we know if we are being served by a robot or by a real person?
A: Robots don’t have belly buttons. Should you have a question, just ask your server. They’ll be happy to display their identity.
Q: My children—of course, they’re middle-aged adults now— are concerned about the harmful effects that lengthy and frequent exposure to the Internet’s social media sites may have on the mental health of our senior citizens (meaning my husband and me). Disturbingly, they even talk about the need for governmental legislation that would limit Internet viewing for senior citizens. My questions to you, Mr. Artie: Is the rvmlist considered a social media platform? Is it really just “Facebook for Fogeys?” And finally, could a continuous and prolonged attachment to the rvmlist prove to be a toxic relationship for us seniors?
A: Ma’am, I have chosen a lifestyle that is unencumbered by the frivolous toys of modern society. Consequently, I am uniquely unqualified to address your questions. It has been my observation, however, that the Manor abounds in nerds of all stripes and sizes. If you can speak and understand Nerdish, seek one out.
The gentleman in the stocking mask in the fourth row, your question, please.
Q: Well Artie, I was placed here a few months ago under the Federal Witness Protection Program. I have reason to believe that there are also others in this program here at RVM. Making new friends among one another and, at the same time, preserving our anonymity among the residents as a whole, presents difficulties. Do you have any suggestions on how I and my fellow witnesses can get together regularly in some secure social setting so that we can enjoy a free exchange of mob-squealing trial stories?
A: Here’s a suggestion: You may have noticed that our residents turn-in on the early side. Outside of a few flickering TV screens and the sound of Don Ho’s “Tiny Bubbles,” filtering out of one of our former islanders’ windows, it’s pretty much “lights out” by 7:30 each evening. The campus is yours after that. Your group may then move about assured that their true identities are secure. You’re certainly welcome to meet in my quarters in the Dog Park after 7:30. At that time, I am still gathering kindling, picking nuts and berries and reading bed-time stories to the fawns until close to 10pm. That would give you over two hours for your get-togethers.
We have time for just one more question. How about the man toward the back of the room in the cub scout uniform?
Q: Unlike many of my fellow RVM residents, my mind refuses to inquire as well as it once did. There just aren’t any things I seem to want to know about anymore. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Aha! You see? “Do you have any suggestions?” is, indeed, an inquiry of yours that you just made. Your thirst for knowledge may be flickering, but it still burns. Your mind is fine. Just give it a tune-up. Get yourself in the Wellness Department’s Cranium Conditioning class . By the way, I’m surprised your uniform still fits you so well.
(Questioners response): Thanks, actually, my uniform is new. I just joined the scouts a few weeks ago.
(Artie): Oh, I see. Well, folks. I hope I’ve helped a bit with your questions.
(unrestrained applause)
—A. Looney
Patrick Bringley was a guard in the Metropolitan Museum of Art for ten years. Books giving “behind the scenes” details always intrigue me and this book has all of that, but it also has so much m