NEWZ’S BURNING ISSUE FIZZLES

(Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news source designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, trifling and superficial events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives at Rogue Valley Manor).

Close readers of Nit Wit Newz will recall in last month’s December issue of The Complement, our column featured a letter from resident, Holly Day. Ms. Day passionately—and we thought persuasively— advocated the conversion of the Manor fireplace from the unseemly, year-long, roasting of marbles to the more traditional fireplace use—burning logs (be they real or facsimiles), at least during the holiday season.

Nit Wit Newz enthusiastically endorsed Ms. Day’s view. We too, thought that the odd marble roasting display made little sense aesthetically or practically.

In an effort to confront the proper administration and resident authorities with compelling evidence that Manor residents also support such a change, NWN confidently solicited the views of RVM residents’ on this fireplace issue. They were asked to vote “yes” (agreeing with Ms. Day on a change) or “No” (voting for the status quo on the marble-simmering fireplace).

As the early votes began to cascade into our massive Dominion vote-tabulating computer, it became clear that we were not only facing a record-setting volume of voting, there was a strong trend indicating that residents were disinterested in converting the Manor fireplace to log burning.

Disbelief swept over our NWN staff.  A laborious, hand-tabulation of ballots was ordered.  Shockingly, the alarming trend was confirmed. The re-count tabulation of all seven ballots cast revealed a scant 14.3% of voters (that would be just one vote) endorsed the “Holly Day/NWN” fireplace revision initiative.

Yes, the full-throated advocacy of the fireplace revision by Nit Wit Newz was met with an enthusiastic burst of resident indifference.

Comments among the six voters that were just fine with the marble-laden fireplace ranged from:  not worth the cost to change to logs; the real Manor lobby problem was not the fireplace, but that (oft-maligned) carpeting; there should be seating in front of those glowing marbles; to, if you want a log burning fireplace go to the Manor library.

Vox populi! The people have spoken.

Clearly, RVM residents are content each year to continue dreaming of their “Blue Marble Christmas.”

What also became all-too-clear was—Nit Wit Newz’s well-earned reputation as an essential conduit between Manor residents and the power centers of Rogue Valley Manor had now been placed in jeopardy.

No small amount of wound licking followed in the well-decked halls of the Nit Wit Newz Tower.

Bruised but unbowed, our chastened staff found comfort during the holidays huddled around the Manor library’s log fireplace musing over Lily Tomlin’s observation:

“The road to success is always under construction.”

We have chosen to view the failed Manor fireplace initiative as just another pot hole in our continuing efforts to help Rogue Valley Manor realize its full potential as America’s premier Senior Community.

We soldier on.

A Happy New Year to all.

—A. Looney

NIT WIT NEWZ 

(Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news source designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, trifling, and superficial events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives at Rogue Valley Manor).    

NEWZ TAKES ON BURNING ISSUE

Each week dozens of letters from our readers flood into our offices here in the Nit Wit Newz Tower on the RVM campus. Many seeking help in all manner of personal affairs; many concerning life here at RVM.  From time to time, we find a letter that might be of interest to all of our RVM readers. Here is one:

Dear Nit Wit Newz,

The Christmas holidays are now upon us and I would like to salute those responsible for the lovely decorations in the Manor lobby. The conifer tree, the decorative wreaths, the white poinsettia plants, the “ginger bread” castle displays, and, of course, the out-sized St. Nicholas figure, all contribute to make our holidays bright.

There is, however, one unsettling false note in this otherwise joyful setting. While the rest of the world is “roasting chestnuts on an open fire,” we here at Rogue Valley Manor must settle, in our Manor fireplace, for a couple of dozen flaming marbles that change colors every once in a while.

Chestnut-roasting may have seen its day, but those same “open fires” elsewhere are now graced with burning logs or, more practically these days, realistic ceramic logs warmed by a natural gas fire.

In the past several Christmas seasons, since our new Manor fireplace was installed, I have yet to see a resident, or guest, warming their backsides against those glowing marbles.  Most of us, I would guess, try our best to avoid looking foolish.

Perhaps I’m overly nostalgic, but to me, there’s something comforting, even pleasingly hypnotic, about sitting in front of a fireplace and staring into a set of flame-licking logs.  I feel certain that others here at RVM share that same feeling. Oddly, not only does our two-sided, island fireplace lack logs of any kind, it also is absent seating.

Since our fireplace is fitted for gas, it would seem to be a simple conversion to add a grate and toss a few ceramic logs on our fireplace during the winter season.  And, while we’re at it, let’s place some seating in front of that cozy fire.

Since Nit Wit Newz holds enviable sway among the influential and powerful here at RVM, may we enlist your aid in helping to effect a change in the Manor fireplace area?

Thank you,

Holly Day

(The NIT WIT NEWZ response)

Dear Ms. Day,

We here at Nit Wit Newz also suspect that many of our residents share your views on the Manor fireplace.   It is unlikely that our current lobby fireplace jingles anyone’s holiday bells.

Yule logs, yes; yule marbles? Not so much.

So, yes, Nit Wit Newz willingly rises to the challenge of re-configuring that flame-burning marble unit to a more traditional fireplace, at least for the winter season.

Our plan is to gather data-driven facts so that we can present an impenetrable case to the proper Manor authorities.

Towards that end, we are asking readers of The Complement to register their opinion on the subject.

It’s simple: Immediately below this text you are reading, there are the words “Leave a Reply.”   We urge you to register your opinion on Ms. Day’s fireplace issue; merely type in your preference “Yes” or “No.”

A “Yes” vote =”Let’s lose our marbles.”

A “No” vote = Call me a Marblehead, but let those darling, inanimate orbs continue to languish on the fireplace floor all year long.

Note: The “ballot” below requires you to leave your name. Be assured your name will NEVER be otherwise used or circulated by “The Complement” or by Nit Wit Newz.  Its inclusion merely allows us to discourage duplicate votes by the same overly enthusiastic voting person.  Thank you for your participation in our survey.

Survey results?

Watch this space.

—A. Looney 

by Connie Kent

Adjectives in English absolutely have to be in this order: opinion-size-quality-age-shape-color-origin-material-purpose Noun.

So you can have a lovely large ornate old rectangular green French serving platter. But if you mess with that word order in the slightest you’ll sound like a maniac. It’s an odd thing that every English speaker uses that list, but almost none of us could write it out.

Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news source designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, trifling, and superficial events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives at Rogue Valley Manor

MANOR MAN FOUND SEMI-CONSCIENCE IN FRONT OF OWN COTTAGE

Responding to distressed Life Alert alarm, Manor Security rushes to village site of recently-arrived Manor resident.  Experience difficulties reaching suspected victim. Front lawn area recently converted into labyrinth of mature six-foot high cannabis plants.  Dense maize stalls rescue efforts. Dead-ends abound in thicket.

Mercy Flight chopper called to aid search. Spots victim. Guides on-ground responders to key path leading to center of labyrinth.  Responders find supine victim lying in patch of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Area fawn licking resident’s face. Victim roused. Speaks haltingly.

Claims late-in-life recurring bouts of despondency. Finds solace in labyrinth meditation and mushroom-induced out-of-body experience. Responders suspect overdose likely cause of temporary unconscious spell.  Victim waves off additional help. Re-enters cottage under own unsteady power.

Nit Wit Newz investigative reporter, Sally Forth, at recovery scene. Senses deeper backstory.  Uncovers victim bio info.
Name: Sully Waters. Retired, single male, loner. Born, raised in North Carolina. Vocation: decades-long civilian job at nearby military installation. Avocation: shuffleboard. Three-time state champion in sport. Waters’ life wrapped up in career and shuffleboard.

Sudden departure of Waters from east coast. Decision followed abrupt severance of long-time employment. Was Water Commissioner at North Carolina Marine Base. Charged with malfeasance. Bitter over dismissal. Despondency follows.

Reporter Forth wheedles interview with reclusive Waters. Reveals to reporter: sought major change after job discharge. Left east coast. Searched senior communities in west. Tabs Rogue Valley Manor last September: Liked leafy, wooded campus. Liked RVM cottage accommodations with yard to grow serenity-providing, despondency-soothing labyrinth. Manor Summer Game offered opportunity to indulge lifelong competitive passion—shuffleboard.  Shocks soon follow.

Discovered that among thirty events included in Summer Games— no shuffleboard!  Worse. Discovered that though Manor had tennis courts, golf course, croquet court, lawn bowling court, horseshoe pit, pickleball and badminton courts, swimming pool, pool tables, ping pong, bocce ball and a court for corn bag tossing—there was no shuffleboard court at Rogue Valley Manor!

Waters decries, “RVM only senior community in U.S. without a shuffleboard court.”  First, career loss, now, shuffleboard skills scuttled. Despondency morphs into deep despair.  Tells reporter Forth, realization of facing a shuffleboard-less life prompted his retreat to labyrinth and mushroom overdose on day of front yard incident.

Forth submits Sully Waters plight to authorities. Rogue Valley Manor administration responds.  Enlists Wellness Department aid.  Waters, eager to move past life of quiet desperation, begins intensive rehab program.

(Readers: fast forward several weeks to present, early November)

Marked improvement evident. Waters despondency wanes.  Credits daily regimen of Zumba dancing, Tai Chi, Pilates, and Aqua Conditioning for improved physical well-being. Competitive spirit re-ignited due to comprehensive instruction in the Corn Bag Toss. (Claims he’ll be serious contender in event at 2023 Summer Games).  Reveals to reporter Forth, major force in his rehabilitation was new-found friend. Shares silent bonding moments in labyrinth each morning with Manor fawn.

Tranquility returns to Rogue Valley Manor.

—A. Looney