Posted in A&I

Nit Wit News — August 2023

(Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news service designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, unverified, and trifling events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor).    

RING AROUND THE COLLAR 

 “Oh my, it’s eight o’clock, I told your parents I’d have you kids in bed by now.”
“But Uncle Willie, you promised to read us a story first, remember?”
“Oh yeah, you’re right Jimmy, I forgot about that.  Well, what should we read?  Let’s see, you’ve got Peter Pan, Winnie the Po…”
“No, no. We like this one.”
“What’s that Betty?  Hmm,  ‘A Children’s Treasury of Exciting Tales from Senior Living Communities.’ Are you sure you…”
“Yes, we love those stories. They’re the best.” “Well, okay. Jump in bed and we’ll give it a try. Here goes—

Once upon a time, in a land not so very far away, there was a senior community.  It was an enchanted community.  Cares and woes were infrequent visitors. Lives were lived in blissful harmony. That’s just the way things were at Elderly Acres.

Life was good.

On warm days, a truck drove through the community and handed out Kona Ice in many popular flavors. When cooler days prevailed, food trucks were parked hither and yon and served tacos—free—even when it wasn’t Tuesday.

Correction: Life was not just good at Elderly Acres—life was very good. 

Until it wasn’t.

[ Jimmy: “Oh boy, I’ll bet here’s where things start getting good.”] 

One day, it was discovered that a golden napkin ring from Elderly Acre’s nicest dining room was missing. Its absence was mystifying since the rings were scrupulously accounted for each evening  before, after, and even during, dinner. Moreover, the napkin rings helped turn ordinary dining into, well, fine dining. 

An immediate search of the dining room was unsuccessful, as was a dutiful campus-wide hunt by each concerned resident (that would mean everyone at Elderly Acres). 

Staff members were immediately exonerated [Uncle Willie: “That means, kids, the staff was not to blame.”] , since each shift begins and ends with a walk through an airport-like  metal detector.

 

To check residents, a highly effective, FDA approved, truth serum was added to the popular chickpea ratatouille casserole each evening at all dining venues for an entire week. It yielded dozens of confessions from the community’s residents; many quite revealing—some startlingly so—but, alas, none were about the missing golden napkin ring. 

Angst swept across the campus. Could it be that the hitherto serene Elderly Acres had become an infested area of rampant crime? Residents were up in arms. 

Concern heightened. Concern broadened. 

Meanwhile, in a seemingly unrelated set of events, the brood of wild turkeys that lumbered aimlessly about the Elderly Acres campus had suddenly become uncharacteristically restive. They began to gobble all through the night keeping residents awake. 

Although disturbing, this did not deter the Elderly Acres security department. They soldiered on in their important search for the golden napkin ring. That remained Job #1.

One morning, while driving toward the employee parking lot, one of the community’s security guards slowed to allow a flock of the turkeys to cross the street.  Odd, he thought, one of the smaller toms was leading a group of orderly hens, while several large toms, with plumage fully displayed, obediently trailed behind. It was unlike the usual disarrayed, random movement of turkey meanderings on campus.

It appeared, however, that the turkeys had found a leader— albeit small in stature and modest in plumage. They followed this member in near lock-step. It was an unusual sight.

Just then, a glancing sun reflection caught the guard’s eye. It came from the direction of that small, lead turkey where his elongated neck met his torso. There it was: The missing golden napkin ring.

[Betty: “You see, Uncle, isn’t this exciting?”]

How the ring found its way out of the dining room and around the small turkey’s neck, launched endless campus speculation.  None of it probable.

In the past, several of Elderly Acres’s security guards had come to grips with white collar crime; none, sad to say, had experience with a  gold collar crime.

Nonetheless, “Who took it?” was no longer the question. Now, the question was, “How to retrieve it?”

Turkey-cide was dismissed out of hand. The Elderly Acres’s animal rights lobby was well-funded and just too politically powerful to allow such a thing.

Further complicating the recovery effort, years of failed attempts to snare and thin the burgeoning Elderly Acres wild turkey flock had proved fruitless. Now— to make retrievable efforts even more difficult—grabbing this thief, holding him down, and attempting to wrestle a ring off of the nine-inch long neck of this squawking tom turkey without harming him, would be a fool’s errand.  Not one of the guards was willing to undertake that errand. No resident could blame them. None did.

[Uncle Willie:“Are you kids getting sleepy?”  Kids in unison: “No, we love it. Read on! Read on!”]

An emergency session of the Elderly Acre’s  Residents Council was called at the auditorium to decide how to proceed on the “turkey trouble.” To wit: getting the napkin ring back; ending the all-night gobbling.

About this time, a wondrous event unfolded right there in front of the auditorium.  Surprising himself and astounding his flock, Herbert, the newly deemed, golden-collared turkey leader, found he could talk!  What? A turkey talks?  Yes, talk! Once he cleared his throat—a time-consuming  task considering its length,— out came near-perfect English.

Shocked flock members were immediately convinced that that mysterious golden neck ring enabled Herbert’s new-found skill. Who could say it didn’t?  A new wave of reverential awe flowed from the flock to their bedecked, and now talking, leader.  So, too, did a generous dose of swagger.

Emboldened, Herbert worked his way into the auditorium and onto the stage, adjusting the mic to his two-foot-nine inch height, Herbert told the audience he was there to “talk turkey.” Aghast, the residents were struck silent at what they were witnessing.

Herbert proceeded to outline his flock’s disaffection with their lifestyle at Elderly Acres. [Uncle Willie: “Meaning, kids, the  turkeys were unhappy.“]

He told the audience that his flock had become fearful of the cars whipping through campus streets and that the flock’s all-night squawking was a protest to register concerns for their safety.

Herbert proceeded to read a brief list of two demands:  The speed limit must be reduced from 20 to 10 mph; Speed bumps had to be installed at key campus locations.

If those demands were met, Herbert assured the council, the garrulous, all-night gobbling would cease.

His timing was perfect. The Resident Council members—most with frazzled nerves from way too many wakeful nights, and facing yet another evening of the same—decided to engage the turkey leader in negotiations—on the spot.

The auditorium doors were shut.

Forty-five minutes later they opened.

A settlement had been reached.

The results: The speed limit was negotiated at a compromised 15 mph.  And the speed bumps were reduced to speed humps.

Herbert and his minions were satisfied.

Relieved too, the Elderly Acres residents would no longer have to wonder if a dearly needed silent night was only a December event.

But wait! How about that golden napkin ring around Herbert’s neck?

Not negotiable.

With the disputation behind them, both sides came to realize that the golden ring was the vital communications link that brought the two disparate parties together. It was to remain on Herbert’s neck.

Swallowing hard, the residents of Elderly Acres resigned themselves to face the prospect that their fine dining experience each evening would be without the full complement of eighty golden napkin rings.

[Uncle Willie: You kids must be getting tired.  Shall we finish this tomorr …”] [Jimmy: No, no, finish it now”]

And so it came to pass that serenity returned to Elderly Acres. Life was good, very good—once again.

And yes, of course, you guessed it—everyone lived happily ever after!

[Betty: “Wow! Wasn’t that great? Kona ice, free tacos, talking turkeys, magic napkin rings—so much fun! Let’s ask Mom if next summer instead of camp, we can spend two weeks with you at your senior community, Uncle Willie.  Wouldn’t that be great?]

(silence)

[Jimmy: “I think he dozed off.”]

——————

Important Note to Nit Wit Newz Readers:

Any similarity in this story to actual persons, places, or animals, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

—A. Looney

What to wear in Oregon

Concerts and Performances August-October 2023

submitted by Mary Jane Morrison

Manor Auditorium 7-8 p.m.  

Events listed in italics are tentative

Links connect to performer bios and/or programs

Programming subject to change.    Programs will NOT be broadcast on Channel 900.
Manor Express available until 9 p.m.  

 

     

Thursday            08/10        Tommy Graven:  American Indian flutes

Thursday            08/17         Tim Church Trio   

Thursday            08/24         Chihuahua Desert:  Western Fiesta

FRIDAY                 08/25           Peggy Evans, organ
This concert will be at the SOU Music Building at 2 p.m.

 Sunday               08/27           Attila Soutov:  violin

Thursday             08/31         Jaron Cannon:  piano

Thursday             09/07        Manor Pianists‘ Recital

Thursday             09/14        Iryna Kudielina:  piano recital

Thursday             09/21        Chris Sinclair & Dom Fontana:  guitars/vocal

Thursday             09/28       Anna Christina Streletz:  piano recital

Thursday             10/05        Skip Bessonette:  country/western

Thursday             10/12        Crystal Reeves & Gary Dunsmore

Thursday             10/19        La Rui Duo:  Flamenco Guitar

Thursday             10/26       YSSO Orchestra

 

 

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Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone

Book review by Bonnie Tollefson

Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone, Benjamin Stevenson, Harper Collins 2022.

Sometimes when you go to the library, books just seem to reach out begging you to take them home. Other times… Well, this was one of the times that many books called out. Death by Chocolate Malted Milkshake, Mad Honey, Code Breaker’s Secret, and Phasers on Stun are all there waiting for you and for me. However, the one that got to go home with me this time, had the interesting title of Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone.

Author Benjamin Stevenson creates the character Ernest Cunningham, who serves as “writer” of the book, as participant in events, and as commentator making asides to the reader. Ernie explains to the reader what pages the dead bodies show up on, how we should have picked up on certain clues and assures the reader that he never lied to us as twists and turns occur. The setting is a remote ski lodge, the highest drive-in ski lodge in Australia, which according to Ernie is like saying “the world’s tallest jockey”. The reason for the trip is a family reunion to welcome brother Michael when he gets out of jail. As might be expected in a book about murder and family interpersonal relationships, a storm is approaching that will trap everyone at the ski lodge, or does it? Each family member reveals his or her contribution to the story and Ernie finally thinks he understands it all. He stages a denouement in the old wood panel library because, if they ever make a movie of this story, it is the perfect setting. Things don’t go quite as planned (of course) and the book ends with an epilogue that tries to explain it all. On the advice of Ernie’s lawyer, some things are left for the reader to draw their own conclusions. If a book about family dysfunction and murder can be a fun read, this is it – light without bogging you down – mayhem without offending – and intriguing enough to keep you reading.

This book is available from the RVM library in large and regular print and from the Jackson County Public Library System in multiple formats.

July in the Library

by Anne Newins

We are going to display our most popular books for the next two months.  It can be a challenge to predict which display topics are going to be popular with Manor readers.  Some are successes while others garner little attention.  So every year or so, we let you, the devoted readers, decide.  Our library software system tracks which books have the most circulation, so why not put them out where everyone can easily find them?  Some authors are perennial favorites, such as William Kent Krueger, but we will try to showcase as many writers as possible.

A number of library patrons come in asking for a book they’ve heard about. Here it is:

In case you are curious, below are the top ten for 2023.  It should be noted that for many years Faye Isaak’s history of RVM, Vision With A View, was number #1.  However, because so many people have their own copy of the book it no longer tops the list.  Otherwise, it is likely that it still would be one of the highest ranking books.  Another Manor author, Jean Dunham, now can claim #1 status with her memoir, Two Women in Africa:  the Ultimate Adventure.
(Sound of a rolling drum…)
     Author                                                      Title
1.  Jean K. Dunham                       Two Women in Africa:  the Ultimate Adventure
2.  Richard Osman                        The Thursday Murder Club
3.  William Kent Krueger              This Tender Land
4.  Billy Crystal                                Still Foolin’ em:  where I’ve been, where I’m going, and where the hell are my keys?
5.  Min Jin Lee                                 Pachinko
6.  Ann Cleeves                               The Long Call
7.  Bonnie Garmus                         Lessons in Chemistry
8.  Louise Penny                             Glass Houses
9.  William Kent Krueger               The Devil’s Bed
10.  William Kent Krueger             Desolation Mountain

How Some of Our Animal Neighbors Deal with Extreme Heat

by Robert Mumby

 

Squirrels sploot, they spread out flat on the ground to cool off.


Bathing is a good way to cool off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I suppose turkeys bathe too, though I have only seen them standing in water.


Most birds lose heat (“sweat”) by keeping their beaks open, as canines do.
Keep the bird baths and water dishes full to encourage hydration.

The Word Nerd on the Letter ‘E’

contributed by Connie Kent

The letter ‘e’ is the most common vowel in the English language.

Challenged to make a sentence without once using the letter ‘e,’ Michael Madhusudan Dutt, a nineteenth century Bengali poet and playwright responded:

I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It’s not worth it.”

Classes, Games and Parties

submitted by Sarah Karnatz

Sign-up sheets are in the notebooks at the Manor Front Desk. Spaces may still be available after the initial sign-up date.

Sun July 9, 11 am – 3 pm

Kona Shave Ice Truck – Towers & both villages – Open to all residents

Sun July 9, 6:00 – 7:00 pm

Sing Along with Joyful Voices – Auditorium – Open to all residents

Mon July 10, 9:30 – 11:30 am

Inquiring Minds: Field trip to Weather Station – Bus loads at 9:30 – Sign ups Mon 6/26

Wed July 12, 3:00 – 5:00 pm

Saucy Concert in the Park – Remotion Winery – Lower Forty – Open to all residents

Fri July 14, 10:00 am – 12:30 pm

Inquiring Minds: Field trip to Science Works Museum in Ashland – Bus loads at 10 am – Sign ups Fri 7/12

Fri July 14, 12 noon – 1:00 pm

Links and Drinks – Plaza 2nd floor patio – Sign up at Manor front desk

Sun July 16, 6:00 – 7:00 pm

Root beer floats, Sing- along and Dance Party with Jennifer Bulat – Auditorium – Open to all residents

Mon July 17, 2:30 pm

Trivia with Roberta Bhasin and Julie Crites – Auditorium – Sign ups Mon 7/03

Tues July 18, 11:00 am – 2:00 pm

Kona Shave Ice Truck – Behind the pool – Staff only

Wed July 19, 9:30 am – 12:30 pm

Inquiring Minds: Field Trip to Genealogy Society – 2 levels: beginners and intermediate – Bus loads at 9:30 for beginners; at 12:45 pm for intermediates – Sign ups Wed 7/05

Fri July 21, 10:00 – 11:30 am

Crafts and Games with Connie Ivy – Auditorium – Sign ups Fri 7/07

Sun July 23, 6:00 – 7:00 pm

Banana Splits and Sing Along with Rita Reitz – Auditorium – Open to all residents

Mon July 24, 10:00 – 11:30 am

Inquiring Minds: Greeting Card Making with Eleanor Lippman & Rita Derbas – Deschuttes Room – Sign ups Mon 7/10

Wed July 26, 4:30 – 6:00 pm

Marco Polo – an active water game – Pool – Sign ups Wed 7/12 for participants – Open to all residents as observers (swimsuits optional)

Thurs July 27, 11 am – 3 pm

Kona Shave Ice Truck – Towers & both villages – Open to all residents

Fri July 28, 9:00 – 10:30 am

Inquiring Minds: Fire Truck Show & Tell with Medford Fire Department – Manor Pocket Lot – Sign ups Fri 7/14

Fri July 28, 12 noon – 1:00 pm

Links and Drinks – Plaza 2nd floor Patio – Sign up at Manor front desk

Concerts and Performances July – August 2023

submitted by Mary Jane Morrison

Manor Auditorium 7-8 p.m.  

Events listed in italics are tentative

Programming subject to change.    Programs will NOT be broadcast on Channel 900.     
                              Manor Express available until 9 p.m.  

 

TUESDAY         07/11         Grace Angelucci Troupe: “It’s Hell to be a Woman” musical excerpts

Thursday           07/13        Liam O’Neil:  piano

TUESDAY          07/18       Eric Hiett:  Magic Show

Thursday           07/20       Vanessa Finney/Mark Hamersly:  vocal/guitar

Thursday           07/27        Jon Galfano:  piano/guitar/vocal

Thursday           08/03       TBA

TUESDAY           08/06       Eric Poppick/Jane Harris:  videos

Thursday            08/10        Tommy Graven:  American Indian flutes

Thursday            08/17         Tim Church Trio   

Thursday            o8/24         Chihuahua Desert:  Western Fiesta

 

 

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The Word Nerd on Puns and Noodles

battered into submission by Tom Conger

The Roman emperor’s wife hates playing hide and seek because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, “Don’t be Sicily.”

I don’t know what you call a small spillage from a pen but I have an inkling.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.

I hate funerals, I’m not a mourning person.

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

 It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite remarkable.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

The other day she tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.

It’s funny England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but has a Liverpool.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.