How Are You?

By Bob Buddemeier

At first glance, it seems like an innocuous greeting – a little more personal than “good morning,” a little less informal than “hi.”  However, for some people (the author included) it is problematic – frustrating and confusing.

We are members of the tribe of literalists – people who, no matter how often they have learned otherwise, continue to labor under the delusion that other people say what they mean and mean what they say.  This condition apparently has a genetic basis, since even if we grudgingly adapt, our basic reaction never fades.

So what’s the problem?  Well, it’s a question — or is it?  Pretty clearly, somebody who says “Harya!” while striding briskly past is not soliciting an extensive reply.  That’s on a par with “Howdy,” which is a contraction of “How do you do?” which started out as a bit of social ritual in the form of a totally non-specific question (how do I do WHAT?).

However, “how are you?” is marginally specific enough to be a real question, especially when appropriately inflected.  So, let’s suppose somebody says it, and let’s just skip over the first major point of confusion, which is about whether or not it is intended as a question.

The next decision point is, how do you mean “how?”  How as in physical health, mental well-being, financial stability or ?.  And right now, or in general?  And however it is intended, it carries with it little or no information about the expected response.  Even if I manage to decide on a topical approach, I don’t know whether the speaker wants the 2 second, the 20 second, or the 2 minute answer.  To say nothing of the fact that I haven’t yet decided how much, if anything, I want to tell the questioner.

If I interpret it as an absolute question and reflect on my present condition as part of my life to date, I recognize that I have at least 5 chronic organic conditions (aka incurable maladies), 2-3 structural problems, and some collection of psychological issues.  The only realistic answer is “pretty damn crappy.”

If it is intended to be relative in some way, I have to make a quick grab for a baseline to compare with.  Since I know that the expected answer is something along the lines of “fine, thanks,” or “good, and you?” and I don’t like to lie, I usually try to maintain some sort of façade of civility. I have learned to envision some recent low(er) point that permits me to say “not bad” or (the classic Midwesternism from my youth) “could be worse.”

So now you should be able to understand why I spend a lot of time in the apartment trying to build up enough strength to walk down a hallway where I might encounter several casual acquaintances. My limited circle of close friends is not so much of a problem, since it consists of people who know (and tolerate) me well enough to put up with the truth, or alternatively, with a smart-ass answer designed to deflect the whole subject.

The ”How are You?” is especially a problem at RVM, for two reasons.  One is that the population and the population density are such that there are inevitably a lot of people who recognize you well enough to feel some minor social obligation (or who are just compulsively friendly even if they don’t have the faintest idea who you are). The other is that almost everybody has one or more conditions that they are able – or sometimes eager – to talk about.

So that’s the problem.  Do I have any solutions, other than the things implied above?  Nothing completely satisfactory, but consider:

1. Work hard at implementing what I call the military solution, since in that environment there is only one correct answer, regardless of what you may think of the situation: “Yes, sir!”  And don’t forget it.  It’s not a lie, it’s a ritual.
2. The preemptive strike – if you can stay alert and get off a fast “G’day!” even marginally before the other party can start on “how are you,” you are not required to deliver a second greeting in response (by my standards).
3. The preplanned defensive gambit – practice one or more stock answers suitable for various situations. “Pass; next question” is pretty good for discouraging future greetings. I sometimes resort to “Surviving,” which is a little bit less blunt.  One of my fellow tribe members likes “Hanging in there.”  “Still clinging to the wreckage” is my favorite for style, but rather long for a quick response.
4. Be a good role model with respect to privacy issues; (a) cultivate the view that whatever they are asking about is none of their business, and (b) don’t ask anybody how they are unless you really want to know and are very sure that they will be willing to tell you.

So that’s it for now.  Have a wonderful day – which will be the subject of my next diatribe on the subject of social noncommunication.