NIT WIT NEWZ – AUGUST 2024

 (Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, unreliable, on-line news service designed to keep residents abreast of the inconsequential, unverified, and trifling events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor).

                      
LONG STANDING CAMPUS DILEMMA RESOLVED

Manor transportation officials find key to decades long, people-moving conundrum. In years since construction, campus Plaza building has posed problem. Walking distance between Plaza and Manor buildings has been a daunting hike for the heartiest of senior residents, a trek too far for most others, and a poorly lit, night-time and inclement weather on-foot misadventure to be avoided by all.

Manor Express has served as partial answer to problem, but limited cars and recent cut-back of drivers has made for often inconveniently long wait times. Some residents resort to driving their own cars between buildings, aggravating growing Manor parking difficulties.

Compounding predicament, substantial increases in popular organized resident activities at both buildings in recent past have exacerbated this between-venues transportation problem.

Years of perplexing thought on this issue have proven fruitless.  Until now.

Like so many great ideas, when the answer was found, it was in plain sight. Foreheads were slapped as lips voiced, “How did we not think of this before?”

Nit Wit Newz has become privy to details of this consequential development. They follow:

A zip-line transportation system between the Manor and the Plaza is currently being formulated.

Zip-line transportation systems are not new. Wikipedia tells us they can be traced back to parts of Asia over 2,000 years ago. Today, a harness that holds the traveler is attached to an elevated cable running through a pulley system. The force of gravity transports the rider from one building (the Plaza, for instance) to another (the Manor).  An alternate  cable system reverses the process (i.e., Manor to Plaza).

Since gravity is the generator of movement, the cable must be strung from a higher level to a lower level. Although still in the planning stages, initial thought envisions a cable from the Manor penthouse to the Plaza seventh floor (which happens to be an attic). The exact location of the return trip cable is still under examination. However, every effort is being made to ensure that both cable lines, even with the weight of the passenger, clear the Terrace building that rests, somewhat perilously, between the Manor and the Plaza.

Suitable cushioned landing areas at both destinations will await the “flier’s” arrival. To that end, each harness is equipped with a hand brake to slow the vehicle as its glide path approaches the landing area. Reaching its destination at maximum velocity could prove injurious to the flier and could also inflict damage to the building’s expensive landing areas.

Faulting on the side of safety, resident fliers will be equipped with a crash helmet, safety goggles, and a fully-padded Kevlar jump suit. A Mira Mar medical staff member will be stationed at landing areas should it be necessary to attend to occasional bouts of vertigo, air sickness, the discomfort of minor landing bruises, or other untoward ailments.

These precautions, authorities contend, should result in a near-perfect, safe flight experience by holding zip-line mishaps to a minimum.

To defray the zip-lines cost of construction and its on-going maintenance, a modest yet-to- be- determined per-flight fare will be charged.

Worth noting: Frequent fliers, will qualify for membership in the exclusive Zipper Club where members can enjoy pre/post flight amenities in designated lounges. In addition, club members would qualify for a substantial discount on their mandatory Zip-Line Flight Insurance policy.

Authorities are confident the news of this campus short-haul travel innovation will be met with eager anticipation followed by widespread participation.

One enthusiastic Manor transportation spokesman exclaimed: “Residents, we’re sure, will not only embrace the ease and speed of this people-moving mode of inter-building  travel,  they will also be able to recapture the exhilaration of the early days of solo flying. For a few precious minutes,” he added,” it’s just you and your harness soaring aloft in that wondrous, wild blue yonder.”

“Happy Landings!”

—-A. Looney