Nit Wit Newz: April 2024

(Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, unreliable, on-line news service designed to keep residents abreast of the inconsequential, unverified, and trifling events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor).

NEW MANOR FOOD PLAN SPARKS HEATED RECEPTION

Plaudits, Peeves Greet Trial Month 

Food program dubbed, Monthly Points Plan.  Each resident allotted fixed number of monthly points based on location of dwelling unit.  One point equals one buck. Points to be redeemed for food at any Manor restaurant.  Portion-control servings now closely monitored (Bad news: Meals of five pork chops and six scoops of Gelato now history). At month’s end, points spent over quota result in resident cash outlay (i.e., 10 points over allotment: cough up 10 buckeroos). If have unused points at month’s end? Sorry, excess points dumpster bound.

Following March test of new food plan, resident questions abound. Clamor for answers.

In effort to quell senior community disquiet, spokesperson with new food plan provider,  met with residents for “Q and A” session in Manor auditorium.

Nit Wit Newz was there.

Here’s what followed:

Thank you all for attending our meeting.  I’m Les Eaten with PRU—Points ‘R’ Us—the organization that implements point food plans at CCRCs throughout the nation. Well, you came to ask questions and I’m here to answer them. Let’s get started.  Yes, the tall gentleman in the second row.

Q: I’m six foot-two and weigh 215 pounds. My neighbor is five foot-three and says she weighs 118 pounds.  As cottage dwellers, despite the disparity in our sizes (and appetites) we both have 500 points to spend each month.  This March, I was way over my allocation.  She expended just under 430 points.  How can our point system remedy this “one size fits all” disparity when we live in a multi-sized people world?

A: When confronted with a similar problems at our other PRU facilities, we have found that the most practical solution is marriage.  You might want to discuss this option with your neighbor as our program has no restrictions on the interchange of points among family members.  Should your neighbor seem hesitant about such an arrangement, you might remind her that sound household economics make a firm foundation for a successful marriage union.

Q: Mr. Eaten, I don’t really have a question, but I just wanted to say that I love this new food allocation plan! I was about to get an Ozempic prescription for my weight problem and it was going to cost me $892 per month.  Now, with these new lean point quotas, if I keep within my 500-point allocation, I’m sure to lose those stubborn fourteen pounds of mine in no time.  Bless our new point plan—it’s a weight loser and a dollar saver!

A: I’m pleased that you’re pleased with our new system.  No question, widespread resident weight loss throughout the campus will definitely be a valuable health benefit of our point quota system.  It’s strange that over time, the word “deprivation” has somehow been given a bad name.   Next question, the gray-haired lady toward the back.

(Four women rise and begin asking their questions at the same time)

No, no, I’m sorry.  I meant that gray- haired lady—the one in the green sweater. Please, your question.

Q: Am I the only one who finds the joy of sitting down to a pleasant dining experience substantially dimmed by first having to fumble through the process of adding up a bunch of points.  It’s like paying for your meal before it’s served—it’s gauche and graceless.  Goodness, I never thought I would embrace pointless dining. Was this food plan in the contract I signed?

A: The PRU food point system strives not only to provide healthy, affordable meals to the residents of our clients, but we are also keenly interested in maintaining their mental acuity as well.  That is the beauty of our plan.  The daily addition and subtraction required to maintain your quota at each meal is an excellent discipline to keep the senior mind active.  In our testing, we have found marked improvement in the arithmetic skills of point-keeping residents to go along with their substantially decreased waist sizes.  That “gracious dining” experience that you pine for would seem to be of a secondary concern to a resident’s sound physical and mental health. Next question. Yes, the gentleman on the aisle.

Q: I’m a bit on the hefty size, as you can see, and, like your earlier questioner, I also find my allotment of points inadequate.  The marriage remedy makes sense to me, however being a bit shy, I’ve always been uneasy approaching women.  Do you have any suggestions?

A: Thank you for that question. I was remiss in responding to that previous questioner, not to have mentioned that at each of our facilities we have added a staff “Match Maker” to help ease our residents into these beneficial arrangements.  You will be pleased and perhaps surprised to know that aside from making the new point system more workable, some of our “match-made” residents have discovered that other benefits accrue to them in their new wedded relationships.  The next question goes to the gentleman in the fifth row.

Q: The suggestion to “get married” would not help with the skimpy number of points Marsha and I have been allocated—we are married.  And yes, we exercise vigorously and try to watch what we eat, I’m afraid we remain on the stout side and naggingly hungry.  That said, we were shocked to learn that we both did serious quota-busting damage even before the third week of the March test was over.   Can you offer us any help?

A:. Yes, of course. I think you’ll both find valuable assistance in my new book, “The Hidden Pleasures of Extreme Fasting.”  Your cravings and weight will quickly be reduced to fit nicely into your point quotas and your clothes. You’ll be pleased to learn that I’ll be having a book signing in the Manor lobby immediately following our program. Now, oh yes, the lady on the aisle towards the rear.

Q: I was pleased to hear your response to the earlier question about the side benefit of our new food-point plan being helpful to our mental health.  I must confess as a Manor dweller, that at the start I was totally flummoxed by having to add up all of those point options in my head three meals a day.  Maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but I had to call my eight-year old grandson for help in figuring what I could afford to order.  But you know, with his help, by the third week my addition skills seemed to slowly return. Now, I no longer need to keep calling my Robbie.  No question, you were sure right about the new system helping our mental agility.  I am facing a downside however, I think my little darling misses hearing from his “Nana” three times every day.

A: Yes, I’ll bet he does, too. Well, It’s five minutes to noon. Time for just one more question.  Yes, the lady to my right.

Q: Along with many of my friends living in the Plaza, we enjoy eating often at Arden. It’s so convenient.  But the new plan has indeed put a squeeze on the number of times we can dine there, so now we skip the Plaza’s “grab and go” lunch—saving our points for Arden—and instead, a bunch of us pack a sandwich and head for that nifty, new, beverage machine in the Manor lobby—it’s point free! Espressos, lattes, cappuccinos—they’re all great (By the way, it would be nice if it dispensed Postum, too).  Yes, it’s our “Ladies Lunch at the Lobby” get-together everyday. As careful as we try to be, I’m sorry to say, now and then we do have a spill or two, but, lucky us, that Manor carpet seems to accommodate those accidents quite nicely.  A big thanks to the Manor for that new coffee dispenser—it’s a  real point- saver!

A: Good for you and your friends. It’s important that everyone seek new and imaginative ways to stretch those valuable food points to make our new plan work. Well, it looks as if we’ve about run out of time.  I hope I’ve been able to answer all of your questions today.  Remember, I’ll be in the lobby signing my new fasting-can-be-fun book, and don’t forget to pick up your complementary “Points ‘R’ Us” t-shirt.  No need to search for the right fit, the new Flex-On fabric makes it just like our new food plan—one size fits all.

—A. Looney