Nit Wit Newz — May 2023

 (Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news service designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, unverified, and trifling events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor)

                                                 MAY MADNESS AT MANOR
                        (Winning Re-Imagined at Manorapolis Speedway)                                                

Several weeks ago, casting about for a full-scale, lollapalooza event for the month of May, RVM Engagement Director, Sarah Karnatz, hit upon an idea. A big idea.

A Memorial Day car racing event.

That’s right, auto racing right here, on our challenging, hilly, serpentine campus streets.

Although not one to be constrained by staging events of modest proportions, prudently, Ms. Karnatz thought it best to avoid, for public safety concerns, the use of NASCAR autos or even conventional road vehicles, for that matter. 

The obvious vehicle of choice became clear—golf carts.

Just as Team Karnatz’s golf cart racing plans began to take shape, an obstacle arose.

Manor administrators’ plans called for the installation of a series of traffic-slowing speed humps throughout the campus.

Mildly annoying to regular motorists, speed humps wreak  havoc with golf carts moving at normal speeds.  At top speeds—peril.

Stunned but not stymied, Team Karnatz was not ready to jettison a Memorial Day golf cart race for an inconsequential matter of a hump or two.

Back to her idea-rich drawing board.

The drawing board delivered:

             Welcome to the first annual Rogue Valley Manor “SLO-MO” Golf Cart Classic.

So simple. So elegant.

This race doesn’t go to the swift.  In this race, the winner loses!  And the very slowest “loser,” wins!

Driving slowly is no easy feat for feet. It requires an achingly delicate foot-touch on the accelerator to maintain a barely-moving vehicle.

The rules are simple:

Should a driver over-compensate their slow crawl and come to a stop,  they are disqualified. The golf cart must be moving forward at all times. No stops.
To the cheers of race car fans, the drivers will artfully negotiate those hazardous speed humps, the perilous crawl up the steep Mira Mar incline at agonizingly slow speeds, and, all the while, struggle mightily to finish last in what is sure to be a dazzling race spectacular.

Famed race car driver, Rex Carr, has been named the event’s Grand Marshal. Carr will—in the traditional pace-car lap—lead the anticipated field of 12-15 golf carts manned and (new word alert!) womaned by RVM residents.

Driving his classic 1986 stretch Yugo, Carr, despite his “pedal-to-the-metal” reputation, has assured Manor officials, that his pace car posed no threat to exceed the campus’s 15 mph speed limit (Note: Yugo’s modest acceleration capacity falls well short of campus strictures).

Mark your calendar for Monday, May 29. Come out and root for your favorite driver.  She, or he, may be the big loser as they inch their last-place golf cart across the finish line and cruise into the winner’s circle.

More drama ensues. Manor Executive Director, Dave Keaton, will place a garland of our cutting garden’s “very best” around the jubilant winners neck while the camera shutters of Yates, Bjorkholm and Mumby flutter to capture the winner’s kiss on the golden “Dawdling Turtle” trophy bearing the inscription:

“To the Fleet Goes Defeat”

See you on the 29^th at the Rogue Valley Manor Memorial Day SLO-MO Racing Classic.

(Another Karnatz Production Extravaganza). 

—A. Looney