NIT WIT NEWZ — APRIL 2023

(Nit Wit News is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news service designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, unverified, and trifling events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor).

THE GARDEN: YOUR Q’s; OUR A’s

As we move into spring, many residents will be spending time at their plots in the Resident Gardens seeking a season of glorious plenitude. To insure hearty plant growth, obtain maximum pleasure at their garden plot and, at the same time, respect the rights of fellow plot keepers, our director of the RVM Grower’s Advisory Council, Dan D. Lyon, has agreed to a Q & A session with Manor plotters.

1. What is the garden’s policy on tomato poaching?
2. We hold to a strict “no tolerance” policy on tomato poaching. It is considered an egregious, dander-raising event. Violators face the age-old biblical imperative: banishment from the garden.
3. And my rutabagas?
4. Rutabaga poaching is condoned. In truth, a Google search indicates that no case of rutabaga poaching has ever been recorded in our garden or, for that matter, anyone else’s garden.
5. Most every time I enter the garden, crows are perched on the shoulders and head of my scarecrow. Is there anything that could be done about that?
6. You may want to try one of those large, floppy inflatable figures found at used car lots these days. The units that, under irregular bursts of air pressure, wildly contort their body parts. Crows should find the shoulders and head of this unit difficult to perch on for any amount of time. A suggestion: Be sure to purchase the smaller, fun-sized inflatable unit. The larger “used-car-lot” size is apt to mistakenly lure unwanted motorists onto our campus expecting to find the “car of their dreams” while at the same time, cause nasty traffic snarls on Wildflower Drive.
7. I’m no longer able to till the soil in my plot. My nephew in Grant’s Pass has a pair of oxen he’s offered to loan me. Is it OK for me to bring them into the garden?
8. Certainly, just as long as they’re securely yoked and carefully trained. The hooves of oxen could play havoc with a neighbor’s peonies patch.
9. I heard what you said about the garden’s tomato poaching policy, Mr. Lyon, but what about persimmons? The fruit on my tree is frequently missing. May I place a fence of concertina wire around my plot?
10. Absolutely not. Concertina wire is used at prisons and in war zones. Its use might dampen the pleasant spirit of bonhomie that exists among your fellow gardeners. Please stick with the Manor’s low voltage, barbed wire. You will find that the harm it inflicts on the human body is calibrated to a tolerable level. It should serve your purpose well.
11. I’m anxious to augment my income. Does the garden offer any “Cash for Crops” programs that I could participate in?
12. Yes, there’s the Manor’s “From Garden to Arden” arrangement whereby our Dining Services Director will purchase edibles from our resident growers (Tip: All squash varieties as well as exotic vegetables that no one has ever heard of are particularly favored by the Dining Services department). Beyond the “Garden to Arden” program, alfalfa—although used infrequently in our Manor kitchens—often commands a handsome return in the rural sections of Jackson County.  Indeed, depending on the size of your plot, your fall harvest could well be measured in dollars—lots of them. Beyond squash and alfalfa, you might check with our local U.S.D.A office for crops currently receiving generous government subsidies.
13. I’ve long harbored the desire to be a viticulturist. Is it possible to grow wine grapes in my plot?
14. Of course. Several of our residents grow their own grapes here at RVM. It so happens that I have some cuttings from the famous Wrath Vineyards in California that I’d be happy to give you to start your vines. You may be aware that both a book and a movie have made famous the Wrath grapes.
15. Weeds continue to be nettlesome in my plot. Should I use a herbicide like Round-Up?
16. Only if you’re interested in hastening your own last round-up. Indeed, the product does work—on the inflictor as well as the inflicted. Avoid it. Sad to report, twenty-first centuries’ high tech geniuses remain baffled by that uninvited, not-to-be- ignored garden guest–the common weed. After the bomb, it has been said, the sole survivors will be roaches and weeds. In the meantime, your war with the enemy, we regret to report, must be conducted manually on a hand-to-root basis.  Get yourself a weed-plugger, a knee pad, and start digging. Welcome to trench warfare. You may wring some cold comfort knowing that your comrades in arms (and knees) are many.
17. I have a plot, but also two hands-full of brown thumbs. Any suggestions?
18. Rock gardens are nice.
19. A fellow gardener mentioned to me that rats and squirrels are our primary crop villains. Is there a remedy to protect our plants from these varmints?
20. Your friend is correct, these creatures are our garden’s enemy number one. So far, our preventive measures have, sadly, all fallen short. But as I think about it, there is one device you might consider. We have in our shed two life-sized, fierce looking, coyote cardboard cut-outs that are not being used. Let’s give ‘em a try. Next time you’re at the garden, look me up.
21. I’m new to the Manor and I’ve noticed that your greenhouse is not green. It is white. Is there a reason for that?
22. Yes indeed. The change to a white fabric over our garden structure was driven by the Manor’s desire to be in full compliance with all environmental regulations. The damage of toxic greenhouse gases to our planet’s atmosphere is well documented. White House gases are benign, mostly.
23. My wife and I were married fifty years ago next month at a service in the field next to her family barn. We would like to re-new our vows and thought it would be nice if we did so in a nostalgic, rural setting. Would it be possible to use the garden’s gazebo for such an event?
24. By all means. We encourage residents to make use of our gazebo for their social events. In fact, in the spirit of the occasion, you may avail yourself of our mule-driven buckboard to transport you, your bride and your guests from the main Manor to the vow-re-newing gazebo site. Should you like to add an additional touch of rural life to the setting, we would be happy to put you in contact with the lady earlier mentioned who has access to a pair of oxen.

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And so, my dear gardeners, despite our best efforts, we have been unable, yet again, to uncover the ingredients of that wondrous soil amendment that the clever, but contrary, Mary used in her garden to coax the unlikely growth of such things as silver bells, cockle shells, and pretty maids all in a row.  Regrettably, you must once again content yourselves with the somewhat- less-than optimum earth found in our Resident Gardens. Nonetheless, with a bit of care, it should yield each of you a bumper crop of beauty, joy, healthy food, and, if the alfalfa market holds, financial affluence.

Let the good times bloom!

—A. Looney