NIT WIT NEWZ — August 2022

(Nit Wit Newz  is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line source of misinformation designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, trifling, and superficial events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor).

                                                      WINGS OVER MEDFORD

J. Byrd Holmes, CEO of Home Tweet Home, south Medford’s largest birdhouse retailer, recently sent Nit Wit Newz this letter:

Dear Nit Wit Newz:

We share an urgent problem.  In the wake of last month’s freak July 2 storm, severe damage swept through our avian community here in south Medford, and, most particularly, Rogue Valley Manor.

Devastation among your campus bird housing was widespread.

Hanging homes were blown from trees, roofs were lost; still other homes became dislodged from seemingly secure posts and rafters.  Worse, we can assume the near-complete loss of all open-nest bird sanctuaries to the fury of that wanton, early summer tempest.

With another capricious, climate-changing winter lying ahead, a dire homeless crisis looms.  It is not too early to provide adequate weather protection for our neighborhood winged-friends.

Keenly aware of Nit Wit Newz’s vast reach and powerful influence among RVM residents, we here at Home Tweet Home would like to enlist your help by alerting RVM readers to this important announcement:

  HOME TWEET HOME’S NEW 2022-23 LINE OF LUXURY BIRD HOUSING IS NOW AVALIABLE!

Our new models include these stunning new features:

-Solar Paneled Roofs. Not only do these roofs keep the entire family cozy in the chilliest of evenings, but—for those moms-to-be—that extra warmth, ornithologists tell us, could shorten the incubation period, meaning less time sitting on those uncomfortable, lumpy eggs for days on end.

-All of our new models have eliminated those stubby pegs sticking out of the front entrance limiting only a single bird to stand or land on at any one time.  Replacing those homely pegs are fulsome, wrap-around porches. These porches provide ample take-off and landing space for those maiden test flights by the newly-hatched. Moreover, these expansive landing areas will prove helpful to senior family members whose eyesight and wing-to-foot coordination might be waning.

– New this year, for those extended families sharing a single home, say goodbye to cramped, close quarters; two and three-bedroom units are now available. These multi-chambered homes also provide space for out of town guests and offer superb time-share and Airbnb income opportunities, although, unlike we mortals, it does not appear that the aviary-world has yet devolved into monetizing their living quarters.

-A house, of course, is not a home without furnishings.  No need for your new occupants to scavenge about the neighborhood. Home Tweet Home has a warehouse filled with a wide variety of twigs, leaves, sticks and tiny braches that will suit the decorating tastes and comfort demands of all of your new chirping dwellers.

But wait—there’s more!

Order your new house today at www.hometweethome.com using promotion code: S.O.B. (that’s, Save Our Birds), and we’ll include a free, illuminated, roof-top “Vacancy/No Vacancy” sign with every house purchase. These signs are designed to end unpleasant occupancy-rights squabbles among our fine feathered friends before they start.  

A special discount is available to birdhouse customers that plan to house carrier pigeons that have previously served delivering vital military messages in the armed forces. It’s our way of saying “Thank you for your service.”

Cash strapped? Worry not. Feathered Housing Administration (FHA) loans are available.

Let’s fight this homeless crisis together! Check out our www.hometweethome.com website today.

Keep ‘em flyin’!

1. Byrd Holmes

A  FULL DISCLOSURE NOTE TO OUR READERS:  Nit Wit Newz prides itself in adhering to the highest journalistic standards. That includes, of course, maintaining a sharp delineation between editorial content and commercial advertising.

Some of our readers may find Mr. Holmes’s letter—appearing in space traditionally reserved exclusively for editorial copy—to be offensively commercial (i.e., selling of birdhouses). Indeed, the letter gave pause to Nit Wit Newz’s Board of Directors as well.  Faced with the dilemma of running this clearly, self-serving, promotional letter or, instead, maintaining our code of reportorial principles, caused ethical angst among board members. This concern was short lived. Those pesky integrity issues were quickly jettisoned when Home Tweet Home offered the generous, “carrier pigeon” discount on Nit Wit Newz’s purchase of the birdhouse that now graces the rooftop of NWN’s headquarters.

—A. Looney