Nit Wit Newz — June 2022

(Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news source designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, trifling, and superficial events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor.

PEOPLE MOVING BEHEMOUTH EYES EXPANSION

Seeking to increase share of Medford passenger-transport market, giant firm, Uber, targets small private taxi outfit for takeover.

Makes self-described “generous offer” to Rogue Valley Manor for intra-campus taxi service, Manor Express.

No luck. RVM management spurns Uber buy-out bid.

Cites resident’s fondness for Manor Express (ME) service. Unwilling to forgo beloved, prompt, and free campus transportation service for unknown, outside firm. Moreover, cherish long-standing relationships with super-friendly, always prompt, skilled Manor Express drivers. Asked about the ME, one rider says, “It’s like having a dozen or so of your own private chauffeurs at your dialing fingertips.”  Asked about Uber, another says, “Why pay to get into a car with a stranger?”

“Reasons enough—Manor Express not for sale!” exclaims RVM management.

Uber executives angered by turndown of “generous offer.”  Proceed to hammer out hostile takeover strategy:  1). Marshal all area Uber vehicles. 2). Swarm RVM site with Uber taxis—station one at every corner). 3) Tap phone lines. Intercept #7433 phone calls and beat Manor Express cabs to resident cottages. Convinced residents will sensibly prefer Uber service.

Outside observers fear Manor Express doomed—outmanned, out-vehicled. Give soon-to-be embattled defenders of RVM taxi service scant day or two before collapse under weight of formidable Uber forces.

Uber management makes final demand for Manor Express capitulation before initiating aggressive takeover plan.

Cheeky ME defenders reply: “Go jump in the lake!”

Uber negotiators puzzled. Decide “jump in lake” may not be a good faith counter-offer. Proceed with aggressive takeover strategy.

Unbeknownst to Uber, takeover strategy details leaked to ME drivers.

Nimble Manor Express drivers quickly craft counter-strategy: 1). Alert residents to only accept rides in cabs with dashboard green light. 2). Share ME rides with as many fellow residents as possible during attempted siege. 3). Encourage car-owning residents to offer neighbors rides to destinations. 4). Walk to destination, if at all possible.

Residents eagerly comply with Manor Express counter-strategy.  “If you don’t see green, you’re in the wrong machine” becomes chant of ME riders.

Mobilization of massive Uber fleet begins. Manor streets smothered by near bumper-to-bumper coverage of campus.

Reality bites. Uber drivers dumbstruck to find ‘though arriving first for pick-ups, Manorites shun Uber rides. Await ME autos instead. Happily pile in along with three, sometimes four, other ride-seeking neighbors.

Uber cars remain passenger-less. Attempt to monetize takeover of ME slips away.

Resolve of fare-starved Uber drivers wanes. Promise of new source of income stream from RVM denizens dissolves.

Predicted “day or two” conflict proves correct. But it’s frazzled Uber giant that crumbles not flinty, indomitable Manor residents and “Green Light Express” drivers.

One-by-one, Uber vehicles slink out of RVM campus streets.

Events serve as a reminder: A tiny band of gritty, committed citizens can thwart the designs of an uninvited aggressor— anywhere.

A celebratory parade of Manor residents waving yellow and blue banners re-takes Rogue Valley Manor streets.

—A. Looney