Nit Wit Newz — March

(Nit WIT Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news source designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, trifling, and superficial events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor.) 

MANORITES NIX MILLION DOLLAR OFFER.  PUSHBACK IN OFFING?

A wave of suspicious phone calls has flooded Manor phone lines in recent weeks. An unidentified caller advised residents that they were winners of a huge cash prize. Alarmed and concerned, suspecting RVM residents have spurned the offer and immediately alerted fellow residents.   Unexpectedly, a call came into Nit Wit Newz’s headquarters last Monday from that “unidentified caller.” He identified himself as Demetrius Seaver.

What follows is a transcript of that phone call.

NWN: Thank you for calling in to us today, Mr. Seaver. But before we begin, may we call you, Demetrius?

DS: Yeah, that’s O.K., but it’s too long. Most of my friends just use my first initial, D.

NWN: Fine D. Now please tell us what prompted your call to Nit Wit Newz?.

DS: Look, I’m still burning over the shabby treatment I received from the residents at that senior community of yours and I wanted those people to know about it. I thought you could help me out.

NWN:  Well, we are, indeed, an established Rogue Valley Manor news platform, so I think you came to the right place. But we’re sorry to learn of your displeasure with some of our residents. Now, as we understand it, you were contacting residents here at RVM and making available to them a financial offer of some consequence, but you claim your offer fell entirely on deaf ears. What can you tell us about that?

DS: Listen, I’m a certified financial opportunist. I make my living seeking out rewarding propositions in the financial world and then matching individuals that would most likely benefit from investing in those offers. Full disclosure: I should mention that a small finder’s fee is, of course, included in every transaction. Anyway, when I heard that there was such a thing as a rogue’s gallery manor, I figured this would be fertile ground for…

NWN: No, no, Mr. D, its Rogue Valley Manor.  Rogue Valley Manor is a place, a senior community, not a collection of reprobates.

DS: Really?  Hmm, that’s too bad. Well, no matter. This opportunity from Publishers Cleaning Your House Sweepstakes appeals to everyone…

NWN: Excuse me, sir, don’t you mean Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes?

DS: Yeah, maybe so, anyway, it was one of those publishing outfits.  Look, in this particular situation, I was letting residents know that they could win $5,000 a week for the rest of their lives.  All they had to do is post a modest up-front fee of $900 to become eligible for this marvelous lifetime pay-off.  Pretty darned tempting, wouldn’t you say?

NWN:  Well I think it…

DS: Get this, I’d planned to call and make that offer available to each one of those Manor people. It’s so good, I thought they’d be jumping at my offer, but you know what? On my first call, the lady I spoke to heard me out alright, but then said “no thanks.”  I didn’t like to hear that, but that was O.K. with me; I didn’t really expect 100% participation.  People don’t always recognize a fantastic deal when they hear one.  So, a few minutes later, after reviewing my sales pitch to make sure I was using all of my key selling points, I dialed a second resident and before I could say that I was from Publishers Cle…, he hung up on me. Imagine! How would he know what I was going to say?  It gets worse; this same abrupt cut-off happened to me call after call. They’d slam down the receiver before I got into my pitch.

NWN: It sounds as if our residents might be suspicious of your “tempting” offer. Maybe they thought it was too good to be true.

DS: No, no—how could they possibly think that when they hadn’t even heard what I had to say?  But they sure kissed big opportunities good bye.  Heck, after the sweepstakes, I was going to cut those rogue people into “Bunco Bingo,”  “Power Ponzi for Profits”, and the roll out of my new crypto-money laundering exchange, “Two-Bitcoin Currency”—they could’ve been on the ground floor on that one.  But it’s that alert system they have up there that’s ruining my business. It’s making all those people think I’m some sort of con artist or something even before they hear my pitch.

NWN:  That alert system you’re talking about is an internal email network. It’s called the “RVM list.”

DS:  I don’t care what they call it. You’ve got a group of people up there preventing me from practicing my profession. I call that collusion. And I want them to know I won’t stand for it.

NWN: Well, D., people don’t have to buy into your propositions.  They don’t even have to accept your phone calls.  Maybe if you came up with a more plausible financial opportunity they’d be more receptive.  I’m afraid you mistook our community for a group of fools. We here at Nit Wit Newz aren’t in the advice-giving business, but maybe you’d have better luck if you apologized to our residents, we’d be happy to publish an apology if…

DS: Apology?  You mean confess to a wrong doing? No way!  Hey, I’d be giving grifting a bad name. Look, nit wit, you’re no help at all—to heck with you. There must be another newspaper up there.  How ‘bout that Bits and Fleeces paper? They’ll be …

NWN: That’s Bits and Pieces.

DS: Yeah, that’s them. See ya.  (Dial tone)

—A.Looney