NIT WIT NEWZ

(Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news source designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, trifling, and superficial events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor.)

THE MEAN STREETS OF ROGUE VALLEY MANOR

Hi Mom.

Harold, is that you, dear? I was beginning to get worried. I thought you’d be here by now.

Well, I just got off the freeway and discovered my GPS is on the fritz, so I don’t know how to get to your place. I’m hoping you can phone-talk me there.

Of course, of course it’s very simple. Oh, I’m so happy you could make it up here for Thanksgiving and see my cottage. Now tell me, where you are?

I’m parked on, let’s see, Barnett Street just past Highland and I’m pointed east.

Yes, yes, I know exactly where you are—you’re less than five minutes from me. I’m so excited. I ran across an old photo album of mine with dozens of pictures of you and Betsy as kids. You both were so…

Yeah, that sounds fun, but I should move off this shoulder and get out of traffic. Barnett’s pretty busy.

Oh, for sure. As I say, you’re practically here. One right turn and then just follow your nose.

Sounds good.

The first street you’ll come to, just a few yards ahead of where you are is, oh dear me, it’s— Ellendale, yes, that’s it, Ellendale. It winds a bit, but that’s the only turn you’ll have to get to my place. So, there on Ellendale, turn right.

O.K., I’m making the turn. Ah yes, I can see the entrance to the Manor straight ahead.

Perfect. Now just follow Ellendale into the Manor and you’re on the way.

Yep, I’m driving through the entrance and looking out over a well-tended golf course. Boy Mom, it looks like you and Betsy picked out a great place for you to live. I should have brought my golf clu…

Yes, I love it, it’s just wonderful.

Hey, five, no six turkeys just crossed in front of me. Is this a service the Manor provides the residents on Thanksgiving? Everyone gets to pick and dress their own turkey?

No, don’t be silly, the Manor is delivering a turkey dinner for the three of us right here to my place. Where are you now?

I’m going up the hill past the golf course and, oh, oh. I must have taken the wrong turn looking at those turkeys.

No, you can’t take a wrong turn.

Mom, the street sign says I’m on Rogue Valley Manor Drive not Ellendale.

That’s where you should be. Don’t worry.

You mean the street changes its name willy nilly from Ellendale to Rogue Valley Manor Drive just like that?

My dear, just keep following that road. You’re doing fine. I told you it winds a bit.

Umm, well…hey, I can see some cottages here on my right. How nice. Trees, lawns, well-trimmed shrubs, and, look at that, a huge, handsome park. You did yourself proud picking this place, Mom. Oh, my gosh, there’s a family of deer over there. I suppose you’re going to tell me the Manor brings in reindeer for Christmas. Pretty good, turkeys for Thanksgiving, reindeer for Christmas— what happens on Groundhog Day? But, what the…? I’ve got to keep my eyes on the road—look, the street sign says I’m now on Shannon Drive! I swear I didn’t make a turn.

Harold, you’re fine, just fine. Don’t pay any attention to those street signs. They’ll just confuse you.

Are you sure? I thought they were designed to un-confuse you.

Harold, I hear a woman’s voice. Did you bring a girlfriend with you? How nice. I can set another place…

No mom, my GPS just kicked in. She’s giving me directions to your place.

Well, she certainly has a beautiful voice. I’ll bet she’s a lovely young lady…

Holy smoke, she just told me that I’m no longer on Shannon Drive. How could that…

And she sure seems to know her way around here. If I were you I’d…

Mom, she’s not in my car. She’s just a voice on my GPS. It’s as if she was, you know, on my radio. I don’t know who she is. She just gives me directions.

Well, maybe when you get here you can tell me what CBS station she’s on. I sometimes get a little confused driving around this….

That’s GPS, not CBS. But Mom, can you believe it? Now she’s telling me I’m on something called Malama Way. What’s a Malama?

You know, I asked Dorthea that very same question a couple of days ago—she’s my new neighbor from Maui— she says it’s a Hawaiian word that means, if I can remember— to take care of, or to serve.

Well, the signs up here would do me a service if they wouldn’t keep changing their names.

Just be patient, dear, you’re almost here. I’m standing out on my front lawn in my blue jersey dress—the one you always liked.

But you don’t live on Malama Way, you said you live on Lake Village Drive. Oh wait, there’s a big sign here. It looks like Malama stops and turns into four different streets. And, my gosh, three of the streets have the same name—Lake Village Drive! I don’t get it! Whoever’s in charge of naming streets around here should be charged with malpractice. First Ellendale changes its name four times and then it empties into three streets—all with the same name. You’d think Ellendale could share some of its names with the three Lake Village Drive streets?

Harold, just take the Lake Village Drive that’s on your right. Ignore those other two. Half way down the block, look for me. I’ve got a new hairdo, that’s why I’m wearing that blue dress so you’ll be sure it’s me. Oh, I see your car now. You hoo! Here I am. And here you are. Now, wasn’t that simple, sweetie? Those pilgrims didn’t need silly street signs to find Plymouth Rock, did they?

Well, ’m not so sure. You know the Mayflower was supposed to land somewhere in Virginia not Cape Cod. But never mind. It’s so great to see you, Mom! I love your cottage. I think I’ll park over there across the street.

Betsy should show up any minute now. She’s been here before so she won’t have any trouble finding us. This is going to be such a marvelous…oh, that’s my phone again. Betsy, Is that you?

Hi Mom, I know I’m right close to your cottage, but I don’t think I took the right Lake Village Drive road. Is it the one in the middle or the one on the left?

No, no dear, it’s the one on the right.

Yes, of course. You know, I think I made that same mistake before. Did Harold get there O.K.?

Oh my, yes. It was just like I told him, once you get to the Manor, you can just follow your nose.

—-A. Looney