NIT WIT NEWZ

(Nit WIt Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news service designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, sometimes fanciful, and most always superficial events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor.)

Campus-Wide Newz Briefs

 CUTTING GARDEN (FINAL) SOLUTION AT HAND

Last summer’s devastation of dahlias in Manor’s cutting garden by area squirrels flummox RVM Sub-Committee for Rodent Control.

As reported in July minutes of Resident’s Council meeting: traps, sprays, baits, and fencing prove ineffective. Wily, bushy-tailed rodents prove impervious to deterrents.

Future bleak for dahlia loving residents—until now!

Resolution of squirrel menace reportedly at hand,

Sub-Committee narrows options to two:

-Introduce smoking to squirrels. (Tobacco industry embraces this option. Offers to underwrite feasibility tests).

-Deny squirrels third booster shot. (Non-vaxxers favor this option).

Newly minted Squirrel World wisdom:

Acorns, yes.  Dahlias, no.

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MANOR MART MOVE QUELLS RESIDENT DISAPPOINTMENT

Small set of peevish residents express displeasure at new Manor retail outlet not offering maxi-sized Big Gulp or Slurpee drinks.

Nor, group learns, will Mart be stocking other popular convenience store staples—beef jerky and foot-long, red licorice ropes.

Longing for a time past, another Manor group anticipated Mart would include soda fountain, racks of movie magazines and comic books; health aids like hot water bottles, mustard plasters; and beauty supplies including snoods, face powder, and henna rinse products.

In seemingly unrelated matter, Manor Mart announces the addition of beer, wine, and small bottles of liquor to its shelves.

Discontent of fretting groups fades.

Marked increase in Mart foot-traffic expected.

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                                                          Is this safe?

THE BRIDGES OF ROGUE VALLEY MANOR

Anticipating passage of an infrastructure bill, federal government dispatches members of Army Corps of Engineers to inspect prospective in-need sites throughout country.

Rogue Valley Manor infrastructure included in questionable sites.

Both Manor bridges tabbed for safety inspection.

In day-long examination, engineers put bridge over eastside lake and bridge spanning small lagoon at Village Center Drive and Malama Way through series of rigorous stress tests.

Inspections reveal structural integrity of Manor bridges not compromised.

Report assures residents safe bridge crossings to “…high degree of certainty.”

In addition to walking, residents may cross bridges confidently when using their popular small vehicles—skateboards, e-scooters, motorcycles, et al.

Concluding their work here at RVM, the Corps of Engineers move south for inspections of the Golden Gate and Bay Bridges.   Before leaving, the safety-cautious engineers suggest to Manor management the posting of “NO DIVING” signs at both Manor bridge sites.

—A. Looney