WHEN RETAILERS COLLIDE!    

NIT WIT NEWZ

 (Nit Wit Newz is an unauthorized, often unreliable, on-line news service designed to keep Manor residents abreast of the inconsequential, sometimes fanciful, and most always superficial events that dramatically shape and inform our everyday lives here at Rogue Valley Manor.) 

 WHEN RETAILERS COLLIDE!

(Pitched Battle on Local Site)

Retailing behemoth, Amazon, discovers alarming lag in sales in southern Oregon area.  Close inspection of data cites Medford as problem.  Company investigators uncover cause—inconspicuous retail competitor at large senior community.

Once-a-week Friday sale brings in throngs of eager buyers to “Annex” outlet at Rogue Valley Manor.  Customers find variety of gently-used household goods sold at impossible-to-compete low prices.

Annex items for sale closely match many popular items Amazon sells: books, small appliances, kitchen ware, music, art, furniture, electronics, and decorative home pieces.

To remedy flagging sales in south Oregon area, Amazon attempts to quash Annex competition by doing what they do best— purchase upstart retailer.

Order from top management goes out: “Annex the Annex.”

“Offer they can’t refuse” made to outlet owner, Rogue Valley Manor.

Offer refused.  RVM claims customers having too much fun.  Prefer shopping the old fashioned way:  Can pick-up merchandise in own hands, feel it, even smell it. Can take home bags of goods same day as purchase. No waiting for delivery. No waiting for thud on front door step.  No paying for shipping. Credit cards nixed. Cash and carry only.  Bargains abound.

Nickels, dimes and quarters no longer need be worthlessly tucked away unused in kitchen jars.  Honored at Annex as coins of the realm.

But wait, there’s more: Penny-pinching pricing tames nation’s inflation. Sale proceeds go to charity foundation (not to funding billionaire owner’s space odyssey).

What’s not to like?

It’s a near-perfect (sorry, no S&H Green Stamps) retail experience.

Amazon seethes. Not used to taking “no” for an answer. Fear possible “Annex-type” operations popping-up in other key U.S. locations. Threaten to purchase adjacent vacant lot north of Annex to build competitive retail space and force Annex to its knees. At same time, open negotiations with Oregon Department of Transportation to build and finance additional off-ramp on South Medford #5 freeway that would fortuitously dead-end into parking lot of proposed, new Amazon store site.

Efforts to smother upstart retailer go awry. Find desired vacant lot non-purchasable— it’s owned by Rogue Valley Manor. Moreover, ODOT says “no” to off-ramp.  “Have too many already at that location.”

News Shocker:

WORLD’S LARGEST RETAILER STYMIED BY WORLD’S SMALLEST!

—A. Looney