A Cautionary Tale

(The author wishes to remain anonymous

but the facts have been verified)

I will relate below our personal experiences with a couple who did not have their affairs in place and were caught out by age and illness. The summary will include names of those we found to help them and those who are helping us. (Both members of the couple are deceased now.)

For some years, we had been best friends with a resident couple in their 90’s. When the wife developed severe dementia that affected not only her memory but also made her violent, the husband needed tons of assistance. They had no children and no family at all in the U.S. The wife badly needed caregivers to keep her and those around her safe. The husband was much opposed to having any outsiders in his residence and resisted the idea that he needed help. Here are the solutions we found to getting health and financial help for them.

First we convinced the husband to allow RVM’s home care department (Shanie Hurst, Home Care Director 541-857-7412 shurst@retirement.org) to take care of his and his wife’s health and safety with 24/7 in-home aides. (They could have moved to a Care Suite, but the husband refused.)

The most important person we found to help this couple with their many needs was a bank trust officer, sometimes called a trust advisor or wealth management specialist. (It is not necessary to have a trust to use these individuals.) The trust officer we engaged, through the local U.S. Bank, undertook to handle almost every aspect of the couple’s finances. He and his assistant did set up a trust, paid the couple’s bills, did their taxes, and took care of everything from accidental pension cancellation to long-term care insurance problems. Of course there are substantial fees involved. The couple’s first trust advisor was Adrian Snyder at our local U.S. Bank, but when Adrian left to work for D.A. Davidson, his local assistant had to carry on under the supervision of the trust officer (Linda Thomas-Bush). She worked out of the Eugene branch as the bank did not fill the Medford position. We found out belatedly that Mrs. Thomas-Bush was not allowed by U.S. Bank to stay overnight in Medford, so when she was needed for consecutive days by her client she had to make a daily three-hour drive each way to and from Eugene. (I imagine the charges to the client for the travel were substantial, and the loss of time on the job was distressing for the clients.)

This out-of-town situation caused my husband and me to choose a different trust officer. We selected Beth Knorr, Senior Vice President and Director of Trust Services at Oregon Pacific Bank in Medford. In our case, her position title is “personal representative & agent.” There will be no charges until we ask her to do something for us. We have been very impressed with her so far, especially since she began her service to us by giving us a wonderful multi-sheet organizational document which got us to write down every detail of our finances, locations of important documents, etc. Beth is the treasurer of the RVM Foundation Board of Directors. beth.knorr@opbc.com 541-770-7455

The elderly couple we were helping were aided in many respects by Ellen Waldman. Ellen’s business is Senior Options, LLC. She always has a number of clients here on campus, and she also has served on the Foundation Board. She writes a column for the Ashland Tidings about senior issues. 541-482-9489/ edw@ashlandhome.net

Her website describes her business thus:

Aging Happens — Planning Helps

Are you experiencing uncertainty about helping an aging loved one? Overwhelmed by trying to manage complex or challenging conditions like dementia? Are you a long-distance caregiver? Do you want to pre-plan for your own future needs and need a navigator? We can help you and your aging family members now. It’s never too soon, and you’re not too late.

Of course there are also substantial fees involved but her advice and service are excellent. She is very knowledgeable about care options as well as other senior needs.

I do want to mention the necessity of having all your data in place, on file in our Resident Services office with Cynde Maurer and Debi Watt and easily accessible to anyone who could possibly need it. I had a very painful experience when the woman with dementia that I mentioned above died unexpectedly early one morning. I was on her Resident Services form as the person to call who would inform others about the death, so the aide who was on duty that early am called me. ( All the woman’s relatives live in Europe.) I had no idea that, in allowing myself to be so listed I would become the person responsible for making cremation and burial arrangements! (It does NOT say that on the form.) Even though Resident Services says they require residents to provide burial information, neither husband nor wife had done so. I went up to the couple’s residence and was greeted by an aide asking ME where to take the body. Because the death was early in the a.m. I could not reach Cynde or Debi for suggestions. I called Security and, when no one answered, I left a message; but no one ever called back.

The husband of the deceased had completely collapsed in the face of his wife’s death and was in a fetal position sobbing in bed and unable to speak. I knew nothing about their desired burial arrangements! The aide showed me a list of 3 or 4 burial services, and I picked the one I knew my husband and I had chosen. Then I was left standing by the uncovered body of the deceased and supervising its removal by the undertakers who soon arrived. The next day I had to struggle to find out how to pay for the cremation. (The husband did not know if his checking account had any money in it, and the burial service did not take credit cards — Thank goodness for their trust officer who assured me that the checking account was functional.) I had to work with the undertaker to fill out the death certificate and much of the information needed simply could not be obtained.

Months after this was all settled, I asked the widower to give me the burial information I would need when he passed away. He refused to make any decisions, saying that the Manor would make any that needed to be made. He wouldn’t even give me his information for the inevitable death certificate, but I was able to get most of it from his relatives and from the trust officer.

My plea to all is, “Don’t do this to your friends or your relatives. It’s a very painful and stressful position to put them in. Make your own decisions now and make them known, no matter how painful it is to think of your own death.”

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