Surviving Surviving

By Joni Johnson

Becoming suddenly single through the loss of a loved one is not an easy thing to navigate. There is, of course, the paperwork, which I understand is quite an adventure.  But in addition, all of a sudden you are faced with a whole new world to maneuver.  Who are my friends?  I used to be a couple.  What am I now?  How do I play?  Where do I eat and with whom? So many questions while at the same time you are grieving for your lost love and the comfort and habits of the past and worried and uncertain about your expectations for the future. . . .

And yet, there are many here on campus who arrived at RVM as a “solitaire”- either because they have always chosen to be single or because they have chosen to remain single after becoming widowed or divorced. In many ways, they have faced the same questions, but without the same pain attached, and I thought it would be interesting to learn how they have managed to enjoy their life as a single person.

In writing this article, I interviewed men and women who had lost their significant other while living at the Manor as well as men and women who had come to RVM content in their single status.  This is what I found.

One thing that made a difference for those who have come as couples is how dependent each one was when they were a twosome.  If the suddenly absent partner had specific jobs in the family like doing the finances or maintaining the household, the suddenly single partner might be required to learn all sorts of new skills. In some of the cases I interviewed,it meant learning how to cook, getting the house ready for the cleaners, how to wash the clothes, learning the computer, taking the dog out, learning how to do the taxes. For some, that meant needing extra help at the beginning. Where once they could rely on someone else, now they had to do it alone. And all these adjustments must take place at exactly the same time one is grieving. It can be overwhelming. Luckily, at the Manor, there is guidance and support if one looks for it. There are people here to help with taxes and computer skills and all sorts of other advice.  It just requires asking for it. People to Contact for Help at RVM

Oddly enough, when I talked with those who have come as “solitaires”, and I asked them what they liked the most about being single, they said it was that they felt empowered to make decisions on their own. They didn’t have to worry about what anyone else thought.  They could go where they wanted, travel where they wanted. They loved being on their own.

In a sense, the biggest issue seems to be establishing a new self-vision. That is hard to describe and is more easily explained in how one navigates the new world that used to be the terrain of “couples”.  All of a sudden, one’s partner for dinner is gone. Going to plays and concerts is now different.  One has to sort of reinvent who one is. And that usually means going way out of one’s comfort zone.  If you were lucky and were a member of a religious group or a bridge group or a dog group or the Hawaii crowd, you were fortunate because some of your work was done for you. Such people were often scooped up and taken care of by a group that they were already a part of. That might mean being invited to lunches or dinners or other events.  However, it often depended on the person him or herself to branch out and invite others to an event which might include a meal or a play or concert.  And that certainly was more difficult.

Some people used the friendship tables to get to know others.  That will be changing in the future since friendship tables may be disappearing.  In the future, when reservations are no longer required, RVM restaurant hosts will be asking guests if they would like to have others join them or if single members would like to join other tables. This might make it easier for those who are alone to dine with others without making arrangements ahead of time.

Another loss for those new to the single life was being alone at night when typically one had someone to talk with and share the day.  That is hard to replace.  It just takes time.  In my discussion with those who have made peace with their loss or who chose to live as a single, it doesn’t seem to be an issue.  Somehow, life just takes over.  It’s when one watches TV or reads or writes.  And if one has something important to discuss, they find someone to call or Skype or Facetime with.  It just doesn’t seem to be a problem any more.

For those who traveled a lot with their spouses, all of a sudden, there are travel groups.  In fact, I know of several people who have found friends they love to travel with through these groups, so that feeling of loneliness just lasted one trip.

What people tell me is that the bottom line to “surviving surviving” is really up to you. There are all sorts of ways to get help with the grieving process.  Counselors like our own Linda Bellinson who provides private sessions and groups, Father Joel (and his soon to be successor), Chaplain Anya and outside counselors and groups are wonderful resources to help newly singles move through grief to the other side.  Friends, especially those who are newly or long-time single, are wonderful resources for activities. My interviewees say,  “Don’t wait for them to invite you.  Invite them! Join activities, especially now that Covid is moving away and we are rejoining the human race again.”

Those who have chosen to be single have the same issues.  Who do I eat with?  Who do I play with?  How do I spend my time?  They solve them the same way.  They ask people out on dates!  They are the masters of their fates.  And that is what they love about being single!  And they say, so will you. Just give it time.