Adventures of Ralph

A tribute to don marquis, archy, and mehitabel

By Tom Conger

ralphie the cat was born
with only one eye he has
microopia said the vet he
is fine other than that he
was raised by a golden retriever
and thought he was a puppy and that s
why he is so mellow mannered and never
acted like a tomcat oh well i guess
it might have something to do with
that operation when they snipped
the little bbs off between his legs but
he never missed em said my wife that s
easy for you to say i said

he is a one man cat she says he
thinks you are god i say that s
because i get up early and feed him his
chow and let him sleep on  ~
my chest at night yes but you always
call him honeyboy and rub his tummy and
that s what a cat thinks is god well
wotthehell i think he s a honeyboy i
say and she says then you go pick
up the big yucky furball he ralphed
on the rug and while you re at it take care of
the black hairs he left on the duvet
cover so i do

sometimes early in the morning when
we re just getting that last bambi dream and
it s not really daylight ralphie tums
linguist and tries to speak in different
voices or whatever he sure has a lot
to say sometimes he tries to make
woowoo with ms Winnie who doesnt have any
equipment either but ralphie thinks
it s peachy and pretends he s a
tomcat which he never was in the first place i dont
think he minds when ms winnie gets
bored with the whole deal and walks away in the middle

he d rather eat chow or macadamia nuts and
lick the salt off my fingers when
i m having a bracer of scotch he
likes to be carried around straddling my
arm with his legs dangling down he
flexes the fingers of his left paw to
let you know he s in ecstasy he
also likes to walk on the keyboard of
my word processor when i m writing the column he
makes words like pppppppp;;;;;;;lll1ll and
qqqqqqqqqqq2222222qqqqq which we can t
read but he thinks he s a poet toujours gai
dad he says toujours gai and sweeps his tail under
my nose which makes me sneeze then i
have to get up and go lie down with
him in bed until he purrs himself to
sleep he is kind of a wuss but we dont
tell him so we really love him we re
going to have him stuffed when he dies

Watching birds at feeder every day                 (jbbardin)

Eat, sleep, poop, play, repeat. Woof!               (Jeannette Bournival)

At least I have a dog                                       (Jordan Mo)

PJ’s, Coffee, Music, Birds on deck                   (Kevin Scott)

In cocoon    with love           and meows        (Karen Frair)

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